Why can’t I break the mindset?

Hello Essie! Thank you so much for your question! It is honestly a very common question. Why do I keep thinking like this especially when I know that it is not helpful? I hope the following information about core beliefs might help you understand this phenomenon. 

Core beliefs are strongly held, sometimes rigid, beliefs that we embrace about ourselves, others, and the world in general. These core beliefs generally start in childhood and are linked to experiences we have in childhood as well as lessons we learn from others. Sometimes, our parents, caregivers, or others teach us these lessons directly by verbalizing what they want us to learn. Other times we learn these lessons by watching others, by the reward and punishment method, or just by experiencing different things. For example, a person may develop a core belief that the world is not a safe place simply by living in a neighborhood where there is a good deal of violence.

Core beliefs can be positive or negative. An individual who grows up in a loving home where everyone in the family is respected and nurtured is likely to develop core beliefs that the world is safe, and they are worthy of love. A person who grows up in an abusive environment might develop core beliefs that there is something wrong with them and they are unlovable.

These core beliefs become rather rigid over time, and they give way to some specific thoughts. For example, the person whose core belief is that they are unlovable may have very specific thoughts such as “I will never find a partner,” “No one finds me attractive,” “There is no point in even trying because I am a loser.” Thoughts like this then result in very negative feelings and those negative feelings can result in negative behaviors. The person who believes that they are a “loser” may feel depressed and because of the depression may withdraw from interacting with others which will only serve to reinforce the person’s sense of detachment from other people.

We tend to look for evidence that supports our core beliefs and specific thoughts. The person who has withdrawn from social settings because they think that no one will find them interesting or attractive might then think, “I knew no one would be interested in me. The fact that I have not gone out for the last three months is proof.” However, if this person would have challenged their thinking, they would have remembered that the reason they did not go out for the last three months was because they had intentionally withdrawn themself from the social scene. They might think, “Well if someone was interested in me, they would have reached out to me.” The fact that no one has reached out to this person is not at all proof that no one is interested in them. However, because of the person’s rigid core beliefs and thinking patterns, they view the lack of invitations as proof of their undesirability.

Core beliefs are closely tied to our scripts and rules. The scripts are general narratives that we embrace about ourselves and others – the storyline. The rules include all of the “shoulds” and “should nots” that fit with the narratives. If our core belief and narrative are that we are unlovable, then one of our rules might be “I should not expect anyone to like me.”

Core beliefs are like lenses in our glasses. They color our experiences. Consider this …. If you had glasses with green lenses in them, then when you wore those glasses, everything would appear to be somewhat green. If you replaced the green lenses with pink lenses, then everything that just looked green will now look pink. Nothing has changed except for the color of our lenses. This is how our core beliefs affect our thinking patterns. Our core beliefs and the resulting thinking patterns filter our experiences and provide a spin that is unique to us. That is why several people could experience the same thing at the same time but have entirely different interpretations and reactions to that experience.

Since these core beliefs can be quite rigid, they can also be difficult to change. We might think that these core beliefs represent the truth when, in fact, they only represent our interpretation of our experiences. While they are hard to change, it is possible to change our core beliefs. It requires a willingness to examine our thinking and identify our core beliefs. Then, we need to decide if these core beliefs are valid. Are they hurting us or helping us? Do we want to continue to embrace these core beliefs or change them?

How does one go about identifying their core beliefs? One way is to simply finish these sentences:

·       I am ___________

·       Other people would describe me as __________

·       If other people really knew me, they would know that I am ___

·       Other people tend to _____________

·       I cannot count on others because _____________

·       In general, the world is ______________

·       In general, other people are _______________

The more we know about our core beliefs and our thinking patterns, the more we can decide for ourselves how we want to respond to different situations. If a person knows that one of their core beliefs is that they cannot trust anyone, and if they have decided that they want to work towards changing that core belief, then they would learn to look for the proof that any one individual cannot be trusted. They might start out very slowly and just learn to trust one person little by little.

Remember that there is a thing called negative bias which means that our brains tend to be on the lookout all the time for danger. We might interpret something as danger when it is not. Because of this tendency, changing our core beliefs takes some effort – practice and patience. But it can be done. It goes back to the Three C’s – Catch, Challenge, and Change.

·       Catch yourself in the thought

·       Challenge the thought

·       Change the thought

If you and I were working together, these are some of the things that we would do – identify those core beliefs, decide if they are helpful or hurtful, and then decide if you want to hold on to them or change them to something more realistic.

I hope that this information about core beliefs has been helpful. Thank you for reading my response.

Judi