What are some tips for dealing with high conflict coparenting?

Hello Cindy, 

Thank you for asking this fundamental question that affects many people who try to parent their children with an ex-partner who is not always on the same page. I understand that per your question, you have been trying to co-parent, but the father of your child has been challenging and uncooperative. Ex-partners who have children in common cannot permanently distance themselves, as they must maintain a particular type of relationship. Contrary to relationships that end without children, you are forced to maintain communication and work together for the benefit of your child.

 

Even in the most conflicted separations, it is possible to reduce tensions by focusing only on the well-being of the children. You may still have many unresolved feelings and personal issues with your ex-partner, regardless of the end of the relationship. However, now that you are separated taking a pragmatic perspective that puts your child first is essential. 

 

When dealing with him, speak with a professional tone. It's normal to have trouble separating emotions from the custodial relationship with your ex-partner. A good idea is to think that the relationship is more "professional" than personal, whose "activity" is your child's education and needs. Speak professionally and focus on pragmatic goals. I suggest you create a compartmentalized relationship with your ex-partner and interact with him as you would with a work colleague or a business acquaintance.

 

Instead of asking or making statements of fact, try asking for things with a reasonable explanation. Practice active listening to show you care, understand your point of view, and respect your opinion. Ask for clarification and keep body language open and sincere when communicating with your ex-partner so you can practice active listening. I also suggest that you document your interactions and send confirmation emails to ensure that you are on the same page with the topics covered during your exchanges. 

 

If necessary, set boundaries for interactions, especially if he tends to argue. Communicating by text or email can be a good idea to avoid getting carried away by emotions (as might happen with a phone call. Setting a boundary is not merely stating your limits but also enforcing them. You can let him know that you will not tolerate certain behaviors and that if he crosses these lines, you will hang up and end the communication until he can speak to you appropriately. 

 

A legal separation involves advancing some negotiations regarding the material and financial arrangements for parenthood and stipulating the schedules and time each will spend with the children. It does not matter if you were legally married or not, and you have to act in your child's best interests. 

 

The most important aspects include childcare and financial arrangements for raising your baby. Since these issues are often quite complex, consider the possibility of hiring a mediator or a lawyer to represent your interests. If you find that your ex-partner is belligerent and aggressive, you can place a buffer between you and him. However, be sure to have a personal conversation first to meet your ex-partner's expectations regarding these matters and to be able to make your intentions known.

Since this is an important issue, do not sign any binding agreement without your lawyer reading it first and informing you of the possible consequences. To split parenting successfully, both parties will need to be committed. Try to be flexible to avoid problems. 

 

Be consistent all the time. For the separation to affect your child as little as possible, you must be very consistent about the routine and type of parenting. In addition to taking into account your child's schedule and activities, pay attention to your attitude and behavior as a mother. When you don't know how to resolve a situation, ask yourself how you would have fixed it before breaking up. Your child needs consistency and rules before and after separation and congruence when moving from house to house.

 

It's widespread for you to want to give your child lots of gifts and express lots of affection. Of course, it's always important to show love and be mindful of the tough times you're going through. However, over-the-top behavior can cause your child to observe an uncomfortable life change or make him believe he is entitled to special treatment.

To minimize the damage during separation, let your child have strong relationships with his father and you, avoid exposing him to conflict, and continue to provide consistent parenting. This is why it is essential to communicate with your ex-partner. You must regularly speak to discuss issues relating to your child. It is never okay to express your negative thoughts to your child and never involve him in adult issues. Don't tell him that your ex-partner is to blame for the separation or speak badly about him. You must remember that your child's father is his father and that your child will introject any negative statements about his dad as if they were spoken about him. 

 

If you find out your ex-partner is talking badly about you in front of your child, be a better person and don't retaliate. Instead, explain to your child that your ex-partner feels pressured by the separation and does his best to feel better.

If your child is affected by the separation, I recommend counseling. I am not sure how old your child is, but it is always beneficial to children to have a place to express their feelings. I realize how hard it is to be a single parent and feel under pressure to communicate and work with your child's other problematic parent. The sooner you can develop a working relationship, the easier it will get. 

 

Finally, I am here to support you on BetterHelp. I look forward to speaking with you if you want to receive services. Thank you for taking the time to ask your question. I wish you a nice day.