Relationships Answers

MP, thank you very much for asking your question.  It sounds like that you may be better off from not being involved with this friend group.  When answering these questions I am doing so without the benefit of asking you questions for clarification or further information.  This means that I have to make some assumptions. Have you spoken to them about this?  It's possible they have mis-interpreted some of your cues, and vice versa.  You could ask to meet with them and during that time you would state your observations in a very neutral, factual statement.  "I've noticed that I have not been invited to xyz."  or "I've noticed that I am the only one that plans events, and when I don't, I'm not invited."  Then, you would state how that makes you feel.  "I feel left out in spite of the times I have included you all in my plans."  That's just the start and I would only suggest having this conversation if you would like to reconcile the relationships, or if you feel compelled to get it off your chest.  Resist the temptation to say the actual word, "why?"  This tends to put people on the defensive, and, since, it's multiple people, it would feel horrible to you to have them gang up on you.   Now, if you plan to not have that conversation, and you are pretty sure that you have ended these relationships, let's talk about how you can move on and feel better.  One confusion I have about your question is that I'm not sure you are feeling tension ABOUT this situation, or if the others are imposing some discomfort and tension ON you.  The latter situation, you cannot do much about.  I wish there was a way to "make" others do things, but there is not.  You can ask them to stop doing whatever, or stop blaming you, but there's absolutely no guarantee to keep them from doing that.  If they are blaming you for the distancing, how do you know that?  Did they say it to you, or did it come via a rumor?  Or, did you make that assumption?  If you hear it from them, this is an opportunity to have the previous stated conversation.  If it's a rumor (or from the grapevine, or mutual friend), you do not even have to address it.  How would that look?  A mutual friend comes to you and says, "I've heard you are no longer friends with xyz.  What happened?"  You can respond with something like, "We all just kind of grew apart."  Now if that's a close friend, that may be an opportunity to vent.  But, theres not a lot of value long term in indulging those who bring rumors to you.  Yeah, I know, this is an opportunity to sling back your own rumors, or get even, or clear the air, but it rarely does and just keeps the drama stirring.   Now, the real meat of the question - how do you move on?  One big thing is to not indulge yourself in revenge fantasies.  These may be as simple as fantasizing what you would do or say if xyz happens.  Instead, recognize that you are doing that, get up and do something different, like plan things for yourself to go out and do solo.  You may not feel like it at first, but it's an exercise of the healing part of moving on.  Start the task of developing new friendships.  Do some gratitude work.  That can look like: being grateful for the lessons you learned from being in that friend group, being grateful that you now have more time and opportunity to develop new, and, possibly better relationships.  Then, at some point, you can release that resentment and forgive them, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because, you deserve peace.   I hope this was helpful.  If this feeling continues on for too long, it may be a thought to consider therapy, especially if it interrupts work, ability to enjoy life, or interferes with other relationships.  

Hi, thanks for reaching out! It definitely sounds like you are in a complicated relationship situation right now; any long distance relationship has its tough spots for sure, but when you compound anxiety and depression from either party into the mix, it gets trickier.  On your end, I'm sure you are feeling frustrated, helpless, and anxious about what is happening on his end of things and your own.  And for you, you are doing what you need to do in terms of your work and following on what you need for yourself, and may be feeling guilty for putting the relationship second to your job.   The most important thing is open communication between the two of you; make sure you are telling him how you feel and hearing him when he tells you how he is feeling.  Try setting aside a meaningful time to talk each day, even if it's for a short time, just to reinforce that he and your relationship are a priority to you.  And work together to find ways to keep your relationship spark alive despite the distance.   If trust is a concern in terms of him nearly cheating out of being lonely, it may be worthwhile to really look closely at the level of commitment and how much you are willing to stick it out if that temptation is there for him.  If your relationship is serious and you both see a future, it may be worthwhile to look at some type of couples therapy to work on healthy communication and maintaining trust while you are apart. On his own, you can encourage him to speak to a therapist to help with his symptoms of anxiety.  It may be beneficial to him both for his own well-being and for the relationship as well, and may help eliminate some barriers he is facing to make your relationship really solid despite the distance.   In the end, you have to do what feels right.  If you are serious, it may be taking a hard look at one of you moving to be closer to the other person in order to have a future together.  And otherwise, continue to work on communication and building trust in each other. Best of luck to you, and feel free to reach out if you need anything in the future!

Hi, B. My name is Beth Tabbert and I am a licensed counselor here at BetterHelp. Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry you are struggling to overcome a past hurt. Asking hard questions, and opening up about your struggles is the first step in making getting past your trauma and making your life and your relationships happier, healthier, and more successful. We all have traumas in our pasts that interfere with our ability to fully enjoy our lives.  When a memory, emotion, interaction, and sensory information, like sights, sounds, or smells, pop up when you least expect it, it is called a trigger. A trigger is associated with a past trauma, which you have realized. Now that you have acknowledged these triggers, you can move toward processing them and moving past them or coping more effectively with them. Insecurities, feeling controlled and unmotivated, having difficulty feeling close with people or trusting them, and all the difficult emotions are all "symptoms" of trauma. There are many others, that you may be experiencing, that you might not be aware of are also symptoms. Symptoms that can be eliminated or lessened through counseling. Traumatic events can actually change the way the brain functions and the way we interact with our environments. Then, what happens is that you filter every experience through the past event. It sounds like one or more people from you past have hurt you deeply. I'm sorry you had to endure this and that it continues to hurt you today.  I'll give you a few tips to help you to start moving forward. First, acknowledge your emotions. They are valid! Every single one of them. You are not making them up, exaggerating them, or over reacting (or any other possible negative thing people in your life have possibly said to you to minimize or dismiss your pain or experience). Second, know that whatever happened is not your fault. The person, or people, who hurt you hold the responsibility. Your responsibility is to grow from the experience and learn to not let their bad behavior and choices continue to hurt you. Third, when you find yourself feeling triggered by someone else, who has done or said something that reminds you of the past, communicate that with them. Utilize an I statement, such as 'I feel anxious, sad, scared, etc, when X happens and I am going to ask you to help me with this by [state what you need in the moment].' Avoid saying 'you' during this sentence, to avoid an argument and don't respond to their defenses. Try to stay focused on your emotions, not their behaviors. Finally, set good boundaries with people. The people who love you and respect you will respect your boundaries. They may not like it, but when you are consistent with your boundaries, they will catch up and respect them. Setting good boundaries is the way we teach others how to treat us and make us feel emotionally safe in relationships. Also, always practice good self care and positive coping strategies, such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, favorite pastimes and hobbies, and positive self talk. Writing about your thoughts and feeling can help too. It's a great way to process emotions and help yourself understand them better. I hope this helps to answer your questions. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to provide some perspective.   

Did You A Favor.  What's unfortunate about long-distance relationships is that good people can appear to be disconnected. I am unsure how to read this man's actions, whether they are as shady and disconnected as they seem. On one hand, he was seeing someone else, while with you. Do you think this was a new way of seeing people, something that you have to accept? I know with online dating, there is this norm where people talk to many people to try and understand which ones they want to actually date.  There are many pieces to this that could contribute to your thoughts to either end it and move on, or stay. The thing that pushes it over the edge for me was that he broke it off. I know you said you still want to see him and talk face-to-face, but why? What are you realistically expecting to do face-to-face? What can you offer, and what you are willing to offer? Is it good for you? What I am saying here is don't be willing to go further than he is in this relationship because it will drain you.  I understand finding someone we connect with isn't as easy as it sounds, but settling on someone who is far away and who dated someone else while you were considered together, are those the characteristics of a man you want to be with? Does being with him prevent you from meeting anyone else? If so, that is the problem here. This is why people still talk to someone else while they online talk to another, to make sure they aren't missing any candidates. I am not condoning this, but rather acknowledging how some people internalize and act out something now normal when we might see it as a personal thing against us. From that, is that someone you want to be with?  You did have some opportunities to talk face to face, and either you didn't (such as in November), or you waited until the last minute. Either way, these issues you speak of, why were they not the first things talked about? Was he allowed to control the narrative and therefore didn't want to address it? Did he have to leave conveniently and then break up (too correlated for my taste)? I think he is showing you his true self, but I think you think this is all you deserve. Do you realize that you could also make calls in this and have him respond to you? He could ask you, "are we good?" But he isn't, and you are just left to chase and try to make it all better.  Again, I don't have all the details, but from what I am noticing, you are giving too much of yourself away, and it will end up causing him not to respect you and you not respecting yourself. There are worse things than being single and being with someone you give up everything for; that is worse because it's you giving up on yourself, giving him too much say over your life. Those relationships and that power dynamic do not work, happily long term. 

Throughout relationships there are times where we may feel more disconnected and distant due to time, responsibilities, and varying other aspects of life. However, this can just be for a time depending on what actions you take to reconnect to your significant other. Below are a few suggestions to assist with the reconnection. One way to reconnect is to improve communication. This can be done by setting specific time to engage with our significant other. I typically have clients set aside 20-30 minutes a day where they are together to talk about anything and everything except problems and kids. This does two things. First it allows communication to not always feel as a correction or to address negative things. Second it allows the communication to be about each other to give further insight into the other person. Typically, during these conversations, you talk about your day, what made you laugh, something that you connected with, or about anything. Additionally, we can reconnect with the person not just try to fix things. Another way to reconnect is to set aside time to date. Making sure that once a week you take the time to spend with each other can assist with the reconnection as well as the flame. Date night does not need to be expensive. It can be simple things that you both like to do that allows to connection through fun and talking. One date idea is to take the Five Love Languages Quiz then explore together different activities or ways to meet the love language together (example gifts- go to the dollar store and spend $5 on things that remind you of the other person or make each other a gift). Additionally, doing a gratitude journal with each other where you identify things in each other that you are grateful for in each other. This can be both deep things as well as simple things. By doing this the connection and respect can be found. It also allows you to remember and find the reasons you are still together. If you feel these will not assist you can additionally do couple's therapy. Sometimes couple's therapy can more specifically assist you and your husband in reconnecting.

Thank you for asking your question.  Communication and understanding of the other is an integral part of a partnership.  It is essential that communication styles in a relationship are as healthy in word choice and tone when speaking to the other. All relationships have good and bad days. A healthy communication style can make it easier to handle conflict when it arises.   When we speak with our partners we are essentially telling them who we are, what we need, and what our boundaries and limitations might be. Having the ability to communicate effectively allows you to connect and reconnect with those in your life.  Poor communication can escalate situations and teach others that you don't respect them or that they don't respect you.  No matter how much you love and know who your partner is, neither of you is a mind reader. You may think your partner is telling you one thing, but in actuality, they are asking for something completely different.  Misunderstandings happen. This may cause anger resentment and confusion between you both.  When we are clear with our partners, our messages can be received in an understanding manner. Sometimes that means we have to set time aside to find a quiet place to sit and have a conversation without distractions or interruptions from other people in our lives.   When we describe how we are feeling and accept any responsibility for our part in the misunderstandings and how it has impacted each other we not only begin to honestly own our own feelings, we can fully try to understand the other person's needs, feelings, and wants. This is the beginning of developing empathy.  It is equally important to express positive feelings and show the other appreciation and admiration for the other. Let them know how important they are to you.  Communication is more than the words we speak. It is also our body language and the energy we emit in the room when we are together. Are you showing warmth, care, and concern? Or is there anger and resentment?  Is this a moment of forgiveness or a moment to escalate into an argument?  Having an open non judgemental relaxed conversation vs fidgeting and putting up physical barriers is equally important. No one can feel safe discussing an issue if they see the other person is not showing an interest nor asking for feedback and clarity.  Communication patterns can be taught and learned.  It is good that you are beginning to seek out outside help to give you clarity and skills. 

Hi Kiki, You are so strong for reaching out and asking this question. First have you guys tried couples counseling? That could be very beneficial for you guys during this time to try and work through this and talk it out with a non judgmental, unbiased person that does not know all the other life details that you guys have going on.  Nobody has to understand the choices that you decided in the relationship. This is ultimately between you and your partner and nobody else. You are completely right people make mistakes and nobody is perfect. And you do not have to explain that to anybody else.  Building trust in your relationship can take time and patience. It would be time for you guys to sit down and have a deep conversation about these intense feelings you may have felt. This is not the time to push away the feelings or ignore what happened. Finding a way to be attached emotionally is going to be important in this process. Do you guys spend time together everyday? Finding something that you can do, just you two, no phones and really getting that quality time in. Get to know each other again on a different level.  Are you focusing on the present and the future? Try not to let your mind wander to the past and the past mistakes. What can you and your partner do to be more in the present. What are your expectations for the future and what are his? Decide together as a team, partnership how to move forward together. It will take work from both of you.  It is also important moving forward that the communication is talked about and how it can get better. You need to be open and upfront with your partner about your feelings and the thoughts that you are having so you are not keeping them bottled up inside. If you are worried and concerned then you need to tell him because if you do not then you will turn into a helicopter partner always checking on him and seeing where he is at. When you are talking about these feelings it is important to speak with "I" statements because that shows you are taking ownership of your feelings and thoughts. Also remember to be kind and nice to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You are growing and learning and it will take time 

Dear Joann, First of all, I am deeply sorry to hear this news. This is devastating. What happened to the marriage? Did you two seek marital counseling? Did you two try to work it out? There are a lot of reasons why infidelity happens. When problems in the marriage is dealt with, in an appropriate manner, including infidelity, there are high chances for reconciliation, and therefore a deeper and long term trusting relationship.  The Gottman Institute, well known couples counseling team of psycho-education providers, highlights reasons infidelity happens: - Lack of affection - Loss of fondness for each other - Imbalance of give and take  - Breakdown of the communication as far as the emotional and relationship needs - Physical health issues such as chronic pain and disability - Mental health issues such as bipolar, major depression, and severe anxiety - Addiction to substances such as lethal chemicals and/ or impulsive behaviors such as sex or gambling  - Fear of intimacy or avoidance of conflict - Life changes such as transition to Parenthood or becoming Empty Nesters - Stressful period such as long distance relationships due to military deployments or long term work travels - Personal dissatisfaction and low self-esteem Finding out the facts, and connecting the dots, then ultimately coming to the conclusion, validated by the partner, of the deep unfathomable deception, can undeniably be hurtful for you. As you mentioned in your posted question, it could not have been easy for you, because you already had a history of infidelity, before having a family with your recent husband.  Your question is now how do you go on into finding a new partner after these events have transpired. First off, definitely take a pause in starting a new relationship for now. I highly recommend just taking a break and instead learn to date yourself for the time being. Focus on yourself first for now. Spend time healing yourself at this time. You cannot enter a new relationship or even give this recent one (your husband) a second chance, if you are still clearly very distraught about it.  Some proven helpful coping techniques for now: - Stay distracted - Pick a task to do that you never had the time before because you were always with that other person - Gather your thoughts and isolate the ones that have been centered on your relationship first, then redirect them to automatically focus on self-healing starting now ("I can't do this because my husband will say something." Turn this thought around to, "I CAN do this now because my husband can't say anything now!")  - Do something nice for yourself for a change - Take good care of yourself - Work for yourself (and your children) - Set goals towards happiness and kindness towards others - Journal, Paint, Draw, Read, Exercise!  - Surround yourself with positive and supportive people - Recognize you are vulnerable right now and ask for help. Realize that you need to take it one step at a time.  - Remember You Are Good Enough.  - Do what you can. Do not overdo it.  - Do spend quality time with the kids and make sure their needs are met including therapy for them as needed.  - Assure the kids that no matter what happens to mom and dad, they will always be loved first, and make it intentional that this will always be true. - Whenever you are ready, focus on forgiveness. This will be better with an individuals therapist.  - If you want to give your husband a second chance, I recommend a couples counselor.  Good luck! Wishing you the best on your self-healing journey. 🙏🏼 Very respectfully, Grace, LCPC, Maryland Therapist

Hi Homer, thank you for asking your question and I am sorry to hear you are having struggles in your marriage. The first way I would answer this question of how to prepare yourself is to address the problems in your marriage to the best of your ability. If things are going to end the best thing you can do to prepare yourself is make sure you leave it all on the table. So, your wife says it's nothing you do wrong but she just can't do it anymore, and I would wonder what is "it" that she can't do anymore? Are you arguing? What are you arguing about? Is there anything that she says you can do to change the way she feels? How often is she saying this to you about being done with the marriage? Has she done anything else besides threaten to show that she is serious about leaving the relationship? Is there any part of her that wants to work on it? And if so, putting effort towards that on both of your parts. So depending on the answers to the series of questions I would try to exhaust all options and avenues to mend the relationship and move toward repairing the bond and marriage. Another option to consider is individual or couples counseling or both. Sometimes talking to someone and having a neutral and objective party involved can help to bridge the communication gap and improve the relationship.  This way, if it eventually doesn't work out, you can say you did everything you could do and put in your all. And I would just add that if she says there is nothing you can do, then it would become more about what you want to do, what you are willing to accept and tolerate.  The second thing I would say in answer to this is to essentially prepare yourself to become independent and take care of yourself and your children. In my mind this is kind of like a worst case scenario emergency planning approach to the situation. This could mean different things to different people, but thinking about things like how you would support yourself independently, potential living options or what you would do if you needed to or were forced to separate from your wife. Do you have a support system in your area? Maybe lean in to some of those supports, the people you trust, your parents or siblings or best friend to talk about what is going on and discuss potential options if you aren't able to work things out or improve your marriage with your wife. I understand the fear of your children going through a separation as well and all of your fears are valid. If and when appropriate, when you have exhausted all options and you know a separation is inevitable, it might be good to talk to your children about what is happening, reassure them that you and their mom love them, and differentiate the relationship with your wife from your relationship with them. There is no good way to deal with getting a divorce other than being as open and honest as possible without putting the other parent down or placing blame. Last thing I would say is to begin practicing your coping skills or hobbies if you have not already. So, what are the things that you like to do? What are the ways you spend your time that make you feel good? And similarly- how do you relieve stressor sadness? What are the things that you do to feel better? Engage in these things. Spend time doing things that make you feel good or make you feel better. This could be anyting from spending time with your kids, doing things with them, going to the gym, going for a walk, going to trivia night with friends, journaling, singing, drawing, etc. Whatever makes you feel the best, do that. This way, if the relationship cannot be salvaged, you will have good coping skills and positive ways to spend time in place.  I hope this answer provides some comfort and guidance during this difficult time. Take care 

Thank you for reaching out and for submitting your question. I am sorry you are experiencing some challenges in your life at this time. A lot of people struggle with the pressure of feeling like they must constantly adjust themselves in order to fit in and conform. This is not uncommon and you most certainly are not alone. Expectations in and of themselves are not bad. And we all have them – for ourselves and for others. But there definitely can be a problem when too much emphasis is placed on the expectations others hold for us. It can escalate to the point wherein we begin feeling like we are just living to gain their approval. We lose ourselves in the process. We start to forget who we really are. We get stuck in this cycle and don’t know how to make it stop. Why do some people do this? They could have a strong need for external validation. It might be to impress or please others. It could be to avoid judgment or rejection. Some might have an overwhelming need to try and get along with others and to feel like they fit in. They might want to appear a certain way so that a particular person or group will accept them. And they might not be very clear about what their true identity actually is. What really is the trouble with living your life according to other people’s expectations? For one, they will not necessarily reflect what the right things are for you personally. Another individual might have quite good intentions, but regardless of this their expectations for you will be based almost exclusively on themselves – it will be based upon their values, their pains, their opinions, their beliefs, their goals, their disappointments, their failures, their dreams, and their own personal experiences. So really where are you in all that? The reality is that it will not be about you. Instead everything is really more all about them. It will not really be a good guide for living your own life. Also, expectations have a tendency to be unrealistic. They are usually visions in the mind which are not always based on good, solid reality. They might not account for what is realistic for you. They might not be very reasonable. And when you try to live up the expectations which are not very fair, it is a guarantee that you will fail. Then, too, expectations can become contradictory. You likely have more than one person in your life. And each person can have wildly differing expectations. Then it becomes a matter of not being able to please anyone because it is impossible to please everyone at the same time. If you are finding you keep striving to please others then it will be an exercise in constant disappointment and failure. Within you, all of this can have a tendency to build resentment and anger. We keep denying ourselves and that ends up building resentment. Also, it can hinder your ability to know what you want and to make decisions. When we let other voices take the lead, we run the risk of losing our own – we forget what our voice says. We no longer know what our own opinion is. This can lower self-esteem over time. Ultimately, all of this can contribute to depression. You can’t please others. You can’t be your real self. It is a lose-lose for everyone – and most importantly it results in internal conflict and can result in you becoming increasingly depressed. How do you break this cycle? For one, begin to build up your own voice. Journalling can be a helpful tool here. You will want to begin spending some time alone and asking yourself what you want. Begin seeking to understand what your opinions are. Figure out what you really want and need. Eventually, you want to begin practicing talking about all of this. You will want to practice letting others know what you think, what you desire. Do not get defensive about it, as if you now have something to prove or an axe to grind. You just want to be positive and affirmative in expressing more of your genuine self. It can help to begin surrounding yourself with more and more people who are willing to accept you as you are. If certain people have a tendency to make you feel badly about yourself, it might be time to spend a little less time around them. If this continues to be an ongoing challenge for you it can be helpful to consider working with a therapist. In the therapy room you will have an opportunity to get a better sense of what is keeping you stuck in this pattern. You will also have a chance to begin learning and practicing some skills that will assist you in moving forward in new and different direction. A therapist, too, can be a great resource for helping you begin to improve your self-worth and self-esteem, which can make it easier over time to be more confident in yourself and less susceptible to worrying about meeting other people’s expectations for you. A therapist can also ask you lots of questions which will help you really get to know yourself better – which will improve your ability in feeling more comfortable being true to yourself.

Hello Tal, I am sorry to hear of your long term relationship ending. Try to remember that a breakup is still a loss and this is a grieving process, but also try to remember that grief does get better with time. I am completely confident that with time you will readjust to being single (or possibly even find yourself in a different relationship if that is what you want) so that you are able to start finding your rhythm of how to accomplish what needs to get accomplished day to day.  Try to remember that you never stopped being you just because you were in a relationship. Most things you did as a couple you can do independently (though I know it will feel weird at first). Try not to stop doing things you enjoyed just because you are no longer doing them with your ex. Also, leverage this time to connect with other people (not necessarily romantically). When you’re in a relationship long term like you had been, it is very easy to start neglecting other relationships because you are always with your partner. Take the time you now have to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in a very long time or didn't have time to give one on one attention to. Not only will it give you people to talk to if you need it, but you may also even start to find yourself forgetting about your recent breakup and enjoying yourself and able to connect to your sense of self and independence again. Nurturing friendships and non-romantic relationships can show you that you can feel loved and happy outside of a romantic relationship and that romantic relationships are meant to be nice bonuses not what defines your life. I also encourage you to try something new or to do something that had to take a back burner because it wasn't a common interest of your partner. Ask yourself "what do I want?" Are there things you wanted to do with your ex, but couldn't? New things you've never had time to try? Now is the time to ask these questions, because your answers no longer have to take the other person into consideration. It will feel weird at first but just start engaging in life again. It will begin to normalize. Most importantly; try to give yourself time to be sad. Again, truly things will normalize again, but it is okay to grieve. You just experienced a loss. Validate that experience and trust with time that healing and refocusing can occur. If that grief and lack of motivation continues though it might be time to consider therapy. A therapist can help you sort through the complicated emotions that a break up can bring up. I wish you the best and that you are able to find your own sense of happiness going forward. Take Care.

Hi Issa,  Thank you for your question, and I hope that my answer can provide some further clarity for you. It is certainly possible to fall back in love and re-build desire in a relationship. It is a common experience for these feelings to wane in a relationship after a child comes on the scene, as the priorities of both partners change, the dynamics are shifted and there is simply less time/energy that can be devoted to each other when so much of that is devoted to your child. The key throughout all of this will be communication, with you and your partner checking in on each other's feelings and needs to ensure that you feel heard, understood and supported within your relationship.  In order to re-build these feelings, it takes time and work from both partners. It is first of all important to be able to recognize what sparked that initial love and desire when your relationship was first being built. What was it about him that you found attractive? What traits did he have that you fell for? Is there anything that he would do for you towards the beginning of the relationship that you do not feel is done now? In order to tap into those initial feelings of attraction that you had to one another, it may be a good idea to bring some of these elements back into your current-day relationship. Doing so may not be easy and it would require you both to prioritize the time that is needed to do so. However, working on these elements of the relationship may bring some of that initial 'spark' back.  Sometimes it may be as simple as taking the time to spend with one another, and check in with each other. As relationships go on, and particularly when children are in the picture, it can be tough to remember to prioritize your partner as there are so many other responsibilities to be juggling. Over 10 years, you and your partner have likely changed a lot, and it can be an exciting process to re-discover each other in the present day. Spending time discussing in and engaging in each other's hobbies and interests can be a great place to start with this, as spending time doing something fun with your partner can give you an insight into where they're currently at, and seeing them engage in something that they enjoy can be a reminder of those positive qualities that you fell in love with in the first place.  Though it sounds regimented, it can be of great benefit to schedule in time for intimacy. One night a week where you can engage in an intimate way with your partner can re-build the desire that you initially felt. This does not have to be on purely sexual terms, but through intimate activities such as massages and cuddling. Engaging in physical affection can allow the feelings of desire to develop naturally.  Spending time appreciating your partner and practicing gratitude can strengthen the bond between you both. How often do you take the time to appreciate your partner and their qualities? How often do you communicate these things to him, letting him know of your appreciation for him? And vice versa. Taking this time to think of each other positively and to communicate these feelings to one another can be a great reminder to you both of what you mean to each other. Hearing compliments and positive feedback from your partner can also give a big boost of confidence, which in itself can often be an attractive trait.  Discussing the past and forward-planning for the future could help you to maintain the relationship going forward. How do you think you got to the point that you are at now? Is there anything that you could do in the future to avoid getting back to this place? What signs should you look out for that you are not experiencing the love and desire that you once did? Having a clear-cut idea of where the relationship has been and where you both want the relationship to be going ensures that you are both working from the same page in the relationship, and aiming for the same goals.  I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful to you, and that they help you work towards re-building these feelings in your relationship. If you and your partner feel that you would benefit from doing so, seeking support from a relationship therapist can be of benefit. A therapist would be able to guide you through some of the strategies described above, as well as others. They would also be able to work through any issues or barriers in your relationship with you so that you and your partner can reach a place of increased happiness. 

Thank you for reaching out and for submitting your question. I am sorry that you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship. While it currently is such that you and your partner cannot seem to talk without a fight erupting, know that it is possible to change this dynamic and to come to a place wherein you are able to communicate better. It can certainly feel like you are permanently stuck in this pattern and it might feel like you can’t see any way out. It absolutely can be challenging and overwhelming. You want to make a shift, yet you keep spinning in the same cycle over and over again. Often, underneath all the turmoil there is vulnerability buried deep below. Under the conflict there is, somewhere in there, a need for love and a desire for connection. A starting point is to slow things down a bit and step back. Begin with yourself. When you are feeling calm, and when you have some time to yourself, consider what your individual needs are. Try to get to know and understand them better. What are some of the feelings you have? What actually are the needs hiding behind all the issues you are fighting over?Perhaps you do have some valid complaints about your mate. Set those aside. Playing the blame game and finding the faults in the other person is not going to help right now. It actually will pull everything in the opposite direction. Take a look at you. You can only control yourself. And you need to focus, then, on seeing if you can determine what role you play in the cycle of fighting. Is there a need you have that isn’t being met? It's also important to think about how you communicate. It can be easy to resort to blaming. “You never help clean up with kitchen after dinner” versus “I would love if you could help me wipe down the counters. It would be so helpful.” Also, besides identifying your own needs, it will be helpful to begin to understand what your partner needs, too. This can involve listening. It takes patience and open curiosity. It can be easy to get defensive if your partner shifts into blame. But you don’t have to take that bait. Because there is a tricky and difficult point to embrace – breaking the cycle is hard but you can, and may need to be the one to break it. Someone will have to do it, if things are to change. If you catch the cycle starting to gain momentum, you don’t have to accept the invite to the party. This might be as simple as not engaging. This does not mean ignoring your partner or walking away in a huff. It means noticing the dynamic and noting that things are heading towards a fight. You get to decide you won’t fight. You will remain calm. You will choose loving words and responses. You can recognize that perhaps your partner is trying to express some needs – just doing it in a way that isn’t productive. Will you take the bait and make it worse? Or will you decide you will take the lead and not participate in the argument? This can be challenging. It means setting your feelings aside. It can feel like a huge sacrifice on your part. Perhaps – but it can be looked at as a temporary one. You will have to be the one to pause, listen, and try to hear your partner’s needs through their fighting words. Don’t show up to the fight. Do not get into the blame dance. Sometimes, we need to take a break before continuing a conversation. It can be easy for one or both partners to become flooded. During a calmer moment, perhaps you decide on a signal that will mean you will each step away for a short break to catch your breath. It can be as simple as a hand wave. Or you make it a silly dance to introduce some much needed humor. Decide on your signal and agree you will return after the designated break to finish talking. If another person never apologizes, it might work to take the lead there, too. Be the first one to begin apologizing. Be the first to say thank you. Sometimes this is sufficient enough that, over time, the other person will follow and begin doing the same. Your other option is to gently express your needs. Remember, it won’t help to blame. Instead of insisting that “you should tell me you’re sorry” maybe it would sound like “my feelings get hurt by . . .” Also, it can be challenging to express your feelings only to have them be misunderstood or invalidated. To some degree, we can all benefit from working on not relying too heavily on external validation. In a relationship, it is definitely important to have the other person understand us. But we don’t necessarily need to have them tell us that our feelings are acceptable. No matter what the other person thinks, your feelings will always be valid. And in the end, only you will be able to validate them – nobody else can do that for you. It's natural to want to defend or strike back when invalidation occurs. But is usually won’t help at all. You can do your best to calmly choose your words well and express to the other person that you are feeling invalidated. Keep in mind that this will depend heavily upon whether or not the other person presently has the capability to hear and respond to that. We are all at differing places in our abilities to discuss deeper emotions and to communicate well. Overall, if this continues to be a struggle, you might consider working with a therapist. It can be okay if it is just you who is willing to go. You can make great strides by working on your own communication skills and by learning how to cope and manage your relationship from your end.

Hey there, First of all I’m really proud of you for reaching out for help! It’s definitely a hard step, Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admit to things that we are not proud of. I think that it says a lot about you and your dedication and determination to make things right.  One of the first steps could be to look into what led you to be pulled towards the friend of your wife. Are there things that you feel like you aren’t getting from her that you could get from the friend? Most of the time people seek outside attention when they aren’t getting what they need from their current relationship. Part of earning trust back is knowing where it was lost, so figuring out what caused you to want to look outside of your relationship and explaining that to your partner might be beneficial in getting it back. Sounds like there are changes that probably need to happen on both ends to have a successful, happy relationship.  It's also a factor in looking at how she ended up finding out ... did you tell her, or did her friend?  I think that part of rebuilding trust is just that .... being totally open and transparent as much as you can be right now.  Another thing to consider is whether she would be open to doing possibly couple / marital counseling.  It can be extremely beneficial to have a non-biased person to help mediate discussions over what the biggest concerns are, whether this is something that can be fixed, and if so, the steps in moving forward, and if not, begin processing how to move on from there as well.  It's important in re-building the trust to know if your wife is even on board or not -- so that you know how to move forward in your own life as well.  I hate that you are dealing with this situation, I know that both of you are probably hurt and confused and it will definitely take time if nothing else to heal some of the damage.   I think sitting down and talking about the reasons that you truly want this to work, why you still want to be with her, and taking it back to the basics, as well as respecting her need for space if she requests it, will be key factors in rebuilding if that is a goal.  I hope this helps and I wish you all the best moving forward!

Thank you for reaching out for support and for submitting your question. I am sorry that you are going through some difficulties and challenges in your life right now. There are many people who struggle with repeating the same bad habits over and over. This is a common pattern and absolutely can cause quite a bit of frustration for everyone involved. You may have all sorts of contrary and good intentions, yet you keep finding yourself stuck back in the cycle of self-defeating and destructive ways. How this can all play out can vary. You tell yourself ahead of time that you won’t do the thing anymore. You plan to be purposeful and intentional. You vow to change for the better and leave those ways behind. You might also find some success for a while. Everything seems to have turned around for the better. Until it all falls apart again. Your efforts failed and you are right back where you began. Zig Ziglar has aptly noted that “all bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you.”Being aware that this is happening in your life is a great first step. Awareness is critical and key if we want to change something about ourselves. Yet, it certainly isn’t sufficient. And it seems you are already equally well aware of this. Awareness of the cycle doesn’t stop you from continuously spinning out of control.Getting to the underlying issue will take some patience and concerted effort. Something is driving your behaviors and there is a reason why you do what you do. The hidden reasons must be discovered. Once you become aware of what those are, then you can begin to develop a plan which addresses them. This could all entail consideration of your past as well as a thorough examination of your present. A therapist could help you work through all of this and help you through the process. In the therapy room, you and the therapist can begin to look at things from alternative angles. You can begin to see things in a different way, perhaps in ways you hadn’t before. In many cases, when we keep repeatedly engaging in patterns of behaviors which are self-defeating and harming our lives, we will find that there is a mix of trying to keep ourselves safe as well as some self-destruction. The task will be to determine what is really at the root of both. Importantly, you need to get really clear about what the habits are that you want to end. You mention “bad habits.” You will need to know, going in, precisely what it is you will be working on. One technique that can be helpful in situations where you are about to participate in an unhealthy, unproductive behavior is called urge surfing. It requires that you make an effort to delay acting. You will utilize your rational brain to halt the emotionally driven urge. You will try to delay as long as you can. You want to allow your rational brain to take over. It can be helpful to plan ahead by having some alternative activities planned for whenever the urge strikes. It can help to make a list of “things I will do instead of . . . .” and have it ready to go when the urges strike. Identifying any triggers can also be helpful. You will want to begin to pay attention when you start to get the urge to engage in the habits you want to stop. You can begin to take more notice and ask yourself some questions. Where were you when the urge struck? What time of day does it seem to occur most often? What are you experiencing emotionally at the time? Are you with anyone? What was happening right before the urge hit? Track all of this in a journal. You will likely begin to notice some patterns. Breaking habits is something that will not happen overnight. It will take time and perseverance. There will be days where it will feel easier and you achieve success. Other days will be harder. You will struggle more. But if you keep getting back up and keep at it, eventually you will break free. If you relapse and mess up, then slow down and take stock of why. Understand what happened. It will help you avoid it again the next time around.Making major changes in life and seeking to end habits which are keeping you stuck is doable. There is lots of hope. Another thing worth considering is working with a therapist. In the therapy room you can begin to identify what some of the underlying issues truly are – because you likely will still have difficulties if these never get resolved. Also, a therapist can work with you to develop an individual plan which includes coping skills and some strategies to help you move forward.

Hi, after a break up, it can be really difficult to find yourself again. Often times, we get so wrapped up in the other person and what's going on in the relationship that we lose ourselves and some of the things that make us, us. I would definitely recommend spending some time journaling about the relationship and how you're feeling now that it has ended. Getting your feelings out on paper (and sometimes crying it out) can be really therapeutic and can allow you the time and space to process your feelings a bit. The questions you'll want to get yourself comfortable with is "what did I learn from this relationship?", "what is the world teaching me", "what did this boyfriend teach me?". It might be that you learned how important it is to maintain your independence and self-esteem in a relationship, or that you need to take relationships just a little slower. It might be that you're still upset with yourself or your ex for an incident or the way that you treated each other, but it might also be that you just need some time to come back to yourself and move on from the break up.  Give yourself some grace and time. Don't put pressure on yourself by giving a timeline or anything like that. It's important for you to feel the sad emotions just as much as you feel the happy ones. Take all the time you need to process the loss of the relationship and that person in your life. Think about what you'd do differently next time. And then spend some time thinking about the things that make you happy. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try some new things that might make you feel happy or alive. Spend some time with family, get to know yourself, your values, your passions. Switch around some of that negative self talk that usually beats you up and makes life worse, to some more positive exciting self-talk. Read new things, eat new things, spend time with friends, invest in yourself, and you'll get better day by day. Journaling throughout the journey will help you to see how far you've come and appreciate the journey back to your better self. I know you can do it. Trust the process. 

Arguments and disagreements cannot and should not be avoided in relationships, especially intimate relationships. Disagreements are a good thing! They prove that we are unique individuals with different perceptions and opinions than others, and we are not robotic creatures following a one-order law. However, arguments and disagreements can (and should) be communicated in a way that leaves both people feeling calm, heard, and understood. The best way that I found to communicate properly in a relationship is to utilize the acronym PICAS, which stands for Process, Identify, Communicate, Acknowledge, and Support. PICAS is an acronym I came up with after discovering what my couples clients kept saying they need from each other. The first part of this skill: Process, Identify, and Communicate is for the person who may have been angered or triggered by something their partner has said. The PIC is to process what they're feeling, identify the feeling word and why they feel that way, and then communicate that in a healthy way. This process involves using I-statements and talking about feelings and triggers.  The second part of this is for the person responding. AC stands for Acknowledge and Support. That can be done in a number of different ways. Acknowledging is simply validating the person's feelings. This can simply be in the form of listening, or it can be by saying something like "I hear what you're saying." You should always acknowledge someone according to what acknowledgment (or validation) looks like for them. The last part (Support) is simply adding something extra to reassure your love for the person who has just communicated their feelings to you. That is usually done like this, "I'm sorry for making you feel that way." PICAS is successful in relationships where two people are invested in the relationship and willing to give love, patience and meekness to push forward. If you want to know more about PICAS and how it works, please schedule an appointment with me and I will be happy to teach you more about it as well as how to set healthy boundaries and be overall happier in relationships. 

Lili: First of all, it is very normal to struggle with building back trust and grieving the deep betrayal of infidelity.  This is why so many couples divorce. You have stayed for two years in a great deal of pain, so it seems that there is a big part of you that believes remaining married is what is best.  Maybe you have children and you do not want to disrupt their lives.  Maybe you have religious reasons. Maybe you are afraid to be on your own and deal with all the pressures of life—job, housing etc. alone.  I am not sure because you have not offered more information than that you feel resentment and anger all the time—over two years and that you are in deep pain and feeling indecisive about divorce. Divorce will not automatically resolve all the pain of betrayal—you will still have to do work on yourself in grieving and letting go of the pain, but it does give a small sense of justice that might stimulate the personal healing needed after divorce. Whatever decision you make, to divorce or to remain married, you will need to do a lot of work on facing the pain of your betrayal and recognizing that you are not in control of being betrayed again, but you are in control of allowing yourself to heal and give the shame of the betrayal back to the betrayer rather than being crushed by the pain.  I would encourage you to work on yourself first before you make the final decision about whether divorce is what is best for you. Why do you need to work on yourself since you have been faithful in the marriage?  It’s the same with being married to the an alcoholic.  The spouse has the disease too even if she doesn’t have a problem stopping drinking.  She is affected by the husband’s drinking and she needs to work her own program in overcoming the insanity that living with an alcoholic brings to her life.  That is why Alanon—the support group for people who live with or loving an alcoholic.  The resentment and anger and pain is only hurting you at this point.  You are being rewounded over and over for two years. The first place I would start with is catharsis—which means to express the damage the betrayal has done in your soul.  I often have people write a letter of rage to the betrayal that they are not going to send.  We work through that letter together and it is often helpful in discerning the pain and shame that belongs to the betrayer and not to you.  You might also write a letter of anger that you will not send to the person he had the affair with.  Once your soul can release these strong toxins that you have not been able to get rid of just using time as a healer.  Time does not heal this kind of pain.  You need to be brutally honest with yourself.  Often when you have gone through the trauma you end up storing lies about yourself or your relationship that you don’t even realize.  These letters help bring that to light and then you can make decisions that are best for you and your relationship. It is possible for marriages to come back stronger than ever after infidelity, but not without soul-searching work on the part of both partners.  If you choose to work on your marriage eventually your spouse must be willing to do the same.  You could either start marriage counseling together to do this or each work separately at first. It is important for you to understand that you went from 100% to 0% of trust in your husband when you found out about his infidelity.  Perhaps these two years have helped you increase your trust to 5%, but marriage counseling would help you increase trust to a more acceptable percentage like 70-80% where you are both comfortable with the commitment you have to be faithful.  No marriage, no matter how strong is 100% immune from infidelity.  It is healthy to know this in a good marriage.  I hope you will reach out for individual or marriage counseling so that you can move beyond your resentment, anger and pain to find contentment in the decision you make to be with  your husband or to divorce him.  I hope this helps give you direction and understanding of what you are facing. Warmly, Dr. Newman

Thank you for reaching out for support and for submitting your question. I am sorry you are experiencing some challenges and difficulties in your relationships right now. We are finding ourselves in what has been called an epidemic of loneliness. In older civilization, and in ancient times, it was common for millions of individuals to pass away from epidemics such as cholera or flu or plague. Advancements in modern medicine and in sanitation have largely eliminated these. But now we endure something altogether different and previously unknown. We now struggle with behavioral epidemics. In the United States, the average life span, which had been increasing since the 1950’s, is now falling. And it due, in part, to suicide and overdoses which are continuing to escalate at an alarming rate. Contributing to all of this? Loneliness. You truly are not alone in your loneliness. It is a common experience which is increasingly more common. In reality, there are probably people you know that you believe are not lonely – but usually they also experience this phenomenon, yet they simply are not talking about it. Oddly enough, the word did not even exist in the English language prior to about 1800. With industrialization came less social connection and thus loneliness was born. And it is just getting worse. While we are more connected technologically than ever before in the entire history of the world we feel more lonely and isolated than previous generations. Why should we worry about loneliness? It is, in fact, a major health risk. Beyond just making us unhappy, there are actual a variety of negative consequences with which to contend if you are struggling with. Loneliness increases the risk of stroke and heart disease. It increases the risk of high blood pressure. It puts you at a greater risk for severe depression and general cognitive decline as you age. One of the best ways to tackle the issue of loneliness is to serve. Every single one of us can contribute to another. It could be as simple as a smile. Consider this: you might be the only person who smiles at an individual in a given day. Is a smile, then, a small thing or could it be one truly enormous gift which takes little effort, no special skills, and no money to gift to another person? Being of help to others gets you out of your own head and keeps you from ruminating on your loneliness and your own situation. It can be tremendously beneficial in terms of helping energize you and in changing your perspective. Research proves it, too. Acts of service towards other people, towards animals, and even nature helps lift loneliness. There are many, many ways to give. Think about what ways may resonate with you. Giving will allow you to surround yourself with others, which will improve social connections. You will connect with those you may serve as well as those you are serving with. Movement will also be a helpful strategy to employ. In particular, getting out in the world and into nature has been shown to be very beneficial. A recent study demonstrated multiple positive outcomes which came about from simply going for a casual walk in nature. Individual participants found their overall well-being improved, depression was reduced, physical health improved, and they even felt their desire to connect with others was elevated. Sometimes, it helps to be brave and reach out to others. We often can worry that we may come across as too needy or be judged negatively. Yet if the person you reach out to cares about you, they will not view you this way. In fact, more often than not, people are pleasantly surprised when they get a phone call or a message. Again, as noted previously, you might be the only one reaching out to them. They might be quite delighted to hear from you and would love to be invited to spend time together. You do not have to tell the person you are reaching out because you are lonely – unless you would like to say that. Just let them know you were thinking about them. Too frequently, we wait on others to do the reaching out. Or we keep records and think we have contacted them many times and they “should” equally reciprocate or else we just won’t be their friend anymore. It’s okay to reach out first. It’s okay to always be the one reaching out – because sometimes other people are lonely, depressed, or anxious and reaching out is hard for them. And what if you don’t have anyone to contact? Well, then you have an opportunity to begin building a new support network. Maybe there is a neighbor or coworker you can stop to chat with. Maybe there is a class to take or a club to join. Perhaps you begin attending church and get involved in some activities there. Also, too, you could consider meeting with a therapist. A therapist is someone trained to help you work on your communication skills if that might be something you think you may benefit from. They are also someone to practice being more vulnerable with. And they can partner with you to come up with some strategies to help you begin moving out of loneliness. If, too, you find you struggle in your current relationships, a therapist can help you figure out exactly what is happening and help you figure out some ways to improve things.

Hi K,  Thank you for this excellent question. I'm so sorry to hear you're losing sleep and we might call the persistent thoughts an "internal distraction." Relationships can really bring out some paradoxes even when we have the best of intentions of wanting to love someone. In this situation, we might notice there's a lot of care going on due to the nature of thinking and wanting to understand and yet, we might also notice there's an impact where we may feel drained, doubtful, and if you can pay attention to other emotions that may be going on. It may be helpful to journal about your thoughts to build some insight and connections. We can certainly have more than one emotion occur at a time, and we can experience more fatigue i.e. mentally drained or we might even become irritable because of it. This might contribute to feeling more tension, more distance in the relationship and then becoming more anxious/concerned about the sustainability of the relationship. It can be a lot of work and unfortunately, you're doing a lot of it on your own because it's based in overthinking. If you'd like, try writing down some of these things you might be noticing that gives you doubt - they could be validating things that you and your girlfriend could work through together, or they could prove to be something of a "rough draft" or Automatic Negative Thought (ANTs), that might be more of a reflex to avoid getting hurt. Our bodies are amazing when it comes to being hot-wired for survival, so if it gets stressed - our bodies will think whatever is stressing us out is a true threat. Sometimes, we notice factors like disgust or feeling like we're building a wall up. This could be part of how we develop trust with others, by building up walls and seeing who is strong enough or willing enough to tear our walls down to see us. This process can be fatiguing for both of you and although it might seem like we achieved something together, the longevity of the relationship might suffer because we're not basing these committed acts in hope, but rather in fear/distrust so they might feel less like wins and more like bail outs.   When we build a relationship with another person there is going to be some give/take in the form of compromise, intimacy, and opening up about ourselves with this person we want to spend quality time with. What is it to love? To be loved and to receive love? when we reflect on the questions there may be some relationship role models who come to mind as well as some experiences that we might consider "deal breakers" aka the things we want to avoid due to a not so pleasant experience, or what we might consider "baggage." The things we carry with us, like a business man and his briefcase. It may be time to do some spring cleaning in those areas to see what we want to keep in terms of serving us well as a person and as a couple. This could be values, things we enjoy or prefer, and perhaps it might be helpful to identify anything that might seem very idealistic or perfect and ask whether this is reasonable. We accept our partners and sometimes there is grace in this acceptance, and yet you may have some gut feelings/intuition that comes up.  One of my favorite therapeutic frameworks when we start talking about love and relationships is Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love which describes the need for passion, commitment, and intimacy for relationships to function well. Sternberg cautions us all, that the feat of strength is really maintaining the relationship - not just finding that special someone and getting through the process of dating. Sometimes, it might be this existential feeling of: I don't know if I've ever done that before (maintain a relationship past a certain point emotionally or with respect to time) and that might be giving us some pressure or doubt. Label and validate your thoughts, weigh the pro's and con's about the relationship, and see what's helpful and hurtful/holding us back from getting the love we desire/think we deserve.  Our perspective on life might be similar to a lens, do you feel like your lens is looking at the relationship in a "clouded" way or with a bias? Are there any fears like rejection or hurt that we're hoping to avoid? Can you find things to reassure yourself about the relationship based on facts and can you build more connections in the future? The past can be like an anchor with our thoughts, and that can feel like we're stuck and feeling held back. So making future plans can help build more connection and have things to look forward to.  I hope this helps as you navigate some of your feelings and helps develop more feelings of secure attachment with others. Love and vulnerability is an amazing human condition to experience, and can take courage to explore.