Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to continue putting up with husband's drinking problem?

Hello Indie ... thank you so much for your message and your questions. The very short answer to some complicated questions that you raise is, "No absolutely not. You are not in any way, shape or form being unreasonable."

That's the short answer. The long answer requires a look at many different aspects of this relationship. You mentioned one of them -- respect. We all have personal rights. I am not talking about constitutional rights. I am talking about rights as humans. One of them is to be treated with respect. Leaving a partner repeatedly alone to take care of the children and the household duties -- not to mention just leaving the partner alone -- is not generally considered to be a sign of respect. Do partners occasionally go out with their friends for a night? Maybe even a whole weekend sometimes? Of course. But that is not the norm. What is the point of being married if the partners are not going to engage together in a life. You are not being unreasonable when you want to have your husband at home.

A couple needs to think about a few questions. Do we want to be together? If the answer is yes, then the next question is, "Why do we want to be together?" If there are some very sound answers to this question, then the next question is, "What are we willing to do to strengthen our relationship?" Both parties in a relationship need to do the work required if the relationship is going to thrive. It can't be one person doing all the work.

One person cannot expect the other person to just accept their disrespectful behavior because they want to go out and have a good time. I would imagine that you might like to go out and have a good time from time to time as well. Your description of your husband makes it sound like he is emotionally immature. Sometimes, if a person has done some heavy drinking as a teenager, they kind of get stuck emotionally at that age. While you didn't say that your husband has been drinking since he was a teenager, it is something to consider.

There are a number of personal rights. The right to be treated with respect is just one of them. You also have the right to say "yes" to things you choose to do and "no" to things you choose not to do. It is important that the two people involved in the relationship split responsibility and respect for each other's personal rights.

I frequently talk about "staying on our side of the street." This means that we all have to take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. We cannot control other people's thoughts, feelings, and actions. However, we can influence other people by establishing boundaries that we expect other people to respect. Establishing boundaries is what I call staying on our side of the street. I am in charge of my own boundaries. I cannot control what other people do with respect to my boundaries. If another person chooses not to respect my boundaries, that is their side of the street. I can choose to respond to their disrespect with a consequence of some sort or not. But I can't make them respect my boundaries. I also have to make sure that other people know what my boundaries are. I can't expect anyone to know what I find acceptable and unacceptable unless I tell them. And, once I set a boundary, I need to be prepared with some kind of consequence for not respecting my boundary. There is no point in having boundaries if there are no consequences for failure to show respect for them.

Setting boundaries can be very challenging. This is why it is important to have our own support system. These would be people who will be compassionate listeners -- not fixers or advice givers -- just people we can lean on. Many people find support with Al-Anon (the family's version of AA), CODA (Codependent Anonymous), or SMART's version of Al-Anon which is Family and Friends. These groups can help a person gain control over their own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, we can feel very isolated when we are in a relationship such as the one you described. When that happens, we can also start to question our own sanity and our ability to make good choices and decisions. By attending some of these meetings (they are online and in person), a person will come to realize that they are not alone.

This is not easy work for a person to do. You mentioned having children and it is important to remember that what is going on within the home is affecting the children as well. It is unfortunate that sometimes we are not willing to stand up for ourselves. But typically when it comes to our children, we are willing to take on hard challenges that we might not take on if it is just for ourselves. So consider what would be best for yourself and your children.

This is certainly not everything that is important for you to understand. There is so much involved when it comes to navigating a relationship where some type of addiction is at play. I would encourage you to engage in your own therapy if you are able to. And if you are not able to, at the very least go to some support group meetings. They do not cost anything. Whatever you do, don't fall down the rabbit hole of "maybe I am just being too sensitive or too demanding." You can truly trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. And it would seem that there is a great deal of inequity and disrespect in your home. 

Yes, you do have a right to feel what you feel and to take appropriate action.

I hope this has helped a bit.

Judi