Am i in love or is it just a trauma bond?

Thank you for reaching out and for submitting your question. I am sorry that you are having some challenges in your life right now.

When a relationship comes to an end it can be immensely difficult. Even if you initiated the ending, it can be hard. No matter what, this is a major event and a tremendous upheaval in life and it will take time to adjust. It is a definite grief and there will be both physical and psychological pains that come with the loss.

It is not uncommon in the initial phases of a breakup to protest the decision and to actively seek to re-establish the relationship. There can be feelings of both sadness and anger. There may be lots of hurt and a great burden of rejection can weigh you down. The emotions can be quite powerful and overwhelming. We are prone to experiencing increased vulnerability when our partner is now suddenly not there to meet our needs. Breakups can really be one of the most painful things to go through in life.

There can be a strong temptation to reach out to the person. This may or may not be a good idea. We might not get the response we hoped for or it could also, too, keep us from healing. At this point, if you have been blocked, then communication is not welcome. Just as we would expect others to respect a boundary we have put in place, we are equally responsible for adhering to the ones which someone else has set before us. Ultimately, we will never be able to control the actions of another person. We only have control over ourselves. If she has made this decision, then the probability is there that violating her desires to eliminate contact will not return a favorable outcome. This certainly does not diminish the hurt you are experiencing as a result.

Not being able to be together or communicate anymore can lead to a lot of emotions. And letting go is often an easier said than done task. Especially in the beginning. It is okay right now to feel your feelings. A good option could be to reach out to anyone in your life who might be able to provide you with some support. Is there a close friend or relative who might be able to sit with you and talk about things? Right now, with things so new, it is particularly important to not remain isolated. You are enduring a major change and a big loss.

A breakup can definitely trigger your own attachment wounds and your beliefs about yourself. You will feel loss over the hopes and dreams which you held for the person and the relationship. You put trust in the person, and now that has been destroyed and taken away. That hurts. That causes confusion. It can impact your sense of self. It can make you question your sense of relationships and of the future. We must acknowledge all that has been lost. And it truly can be a lot. So it is entirely normal to be grieving and to be doing a lot of questioning. 

Now is a time to nurture and take care of yourself. Plan every day to do at least one thing that will make you feel calm. Try thinking about what little things in life bring you pleasure and joy. Then add more of those things to your day. Accept that your emotions and your mood will be fluctuating right now. Give yourself some compassion and grace. Have some extra patience with yourself. Stick to a routine. Having some structure to hold onto can be comforting in periods of distress. Do your best to stay healthy. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Try to get in some movement. Going for walks outside is a good option. You get in some exercise and the sunlight and fresh air will help boost your mood a bit. Consider turning to a hobby, either a new or an old one. Now is a good time to think about getting your mind focused on some other things. The distraction can do you good.

Right now is a time to just hit pause and heal. Don’t make any major decisions. Don’t make any big changes. Your emotions are on high alert right now. Take some time to get calm and take extra good care of yourself.

It sounds like this has been both difficult and confusing for you. That’s all very normal. This might be a good time in life to seek out support from a therapist. A therapist can work with you to process all the emotions. And can help you work through the questions you are left with. It does seem you had some strong emotions for this person. And that you did feel love. If you want to dig in deeper to some lingering thoughts and concerns you have about the relationship, a therapist can help you look more closely at things. If trauma bonding is concern for you, if you believe it might be something you are struggling with, then a more comprehensive assessment and conversation(s) would be most appropriate.

Meeting with a therapist can help you heal. And can help you work through any of the doubts and confusion which might be still present for you. It can be especially helpful if the emotions continue to feel overwhelming and/or if you find they are becoming disruptive to your daily functioning.