Am I the problem in this relationship?

Hi Nik,

It sounds like you are asking some introspective questions.  Therapy is exactly the place for self-evaluation and introspection.  I encourage you to seek the help and guidance of a therapist who can walk you through this process.  It is difficult to answer your question without meeting with you and talking with you about what has been going on.  It sounds like you are concerned with how you've been treating your wife, and that is something we need to look at right away.  It sounds like you want to rebuild trust with your wife and continue a healthy relationship with her.  Couple's counseling could help with that as well.

Although gaslighting and lying behaviors do tend to show up in a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis, it doesn't automatically mean that you are a narcissist just because you lie and gaslight.  I want to be clear that, as a licensed counselor, I am unable to diagnose, but we can definitely walk through the behaviors that are not serving you well and work on changing that so that your relationship with yourself and your wife improves. 

I want to introduce you to a couple of unhealthy ways of communicating that couples often get stuck in when they are not in a healthy place with each other.  The marriage researcher, Dr. Gottman, calls these behaviors the Four Horsemen, which he identifies as the four signs that a relationship is heading towards doom.  These are:  Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.  If you are doing any of these in your relationship now, we need to intercept that right away and work on healthier ways of communicating. 

There are certain ground rules for having a conversation and resolving conflict.  First, you have to stick to one topic at a time.  Nothing will be resolved unless we handle one thing at a time.  Second, you cannot yell at each other, or interrupt each other.  Couple's need to take turns talking and spend more time on listening.  Also, there cannot be any kind of name calling, threatening, or stonewalling.  And, if you feel emotionally flooded, a time out is suggested before you escalate the conversation and say something you might regret. 

If you are gaslighting and lying, there are ways to help you stay present for each other and take time to listen and validate, even if you don't agree.  Counseling can help with that process. 

I hope this helps to get you started.  Good luck!