Are attachment styles real?

It’s important to understand that attachment theory is just that – a theory. A quick Google search will reveal the ongoing debates and varying research regarding attachment theory and attachment styles.

Attachment is thought to be the way we bond with our primary caregivers, usually parents. Since we all experience some sort of care relationship at birth and beyond, the experience of attachment is universal. It’s thought to influence the way we develop and to influence later the way we navigate relationships.

Perhaps the best summary of attachment theory is that when our primary caregivers are available and responsive to us as infants, it allows us to develop a sense of security. As infants, we begin to understand and know that our caregiver is reliable, and that creates a secure foundation for us to stand on as we lean out to explore the world around us.

The four major styles of attachment that people are thought to form early in life and to carry into adulthood are:

• Secure
• Avoidant
• Ambivalent
• Fearful-avoidant/disorganized

Secure attachment describes children who can depend on caregivers. As young children, they show distress when separated from their caregiver and then joy when they’re reunited. Children who are securely attached feel comfortable seeking reassurance from caregivers.

Kids with avoidant attachment styles avoid caregivers and don’t prefer a stranger and a caregiver. Neglect and some kinds of abuse are thought to underlie this attachment style. When a child gets punished for relying on caregivers, they learn to avoid seeking help in future.

Ambivalent attachment is used to describe children who are very distressed when a caregiver leaves. The child learns that they can’t depend on their caregiver to be there when needed and thus responds very intensely when they know the caregiver isn’t present. Poor availability of caregivers is thought to create this particular attachment style.

The disorganized attachment shows a mix of responses with caregivers, which indicates no patterned attachment behavior. Children with this style of attachment may avoid or resist the caregiver. The thinking is that inconsistent responses by caregivers contribute to this style.

Attachment styles in adulthood aren’t necessarily the same as those seen in early life, but it’s thought that early attachments can impact later relationships. People with secure attachment in childhood tend to have healthy romantic relationships, self-esteem, and the ability to connect with others in healthy relationships.

Understanding your early attachments can help you view life events and decisions within a fuller context and give you insight that helps you identify and heal patterns that may be at odds with your goals for relationships you have today.