are relationships transactional?

I believe that all relationships, on some level, are transactional in nature. Transactional meaning that each person invests time, effort, and resources into the relationship. Different relationships result in different involvement from those involved in the relationship. For example, I think some of the most unhealthy relationships involve over-investment from one person and under-investment from another. The problem with this is that one person will feel like they are doing more for the relationship than the other person, resulting in feelings of frustration and resentment.

However, relationships are not also 50-50 engagements where each person has to “match” the other person’s effort, time, and resources. I think that it would be harmful to “keep score” of what you’ve done for others and expect these things always to be matched one-to-one. What makes relationships great is that they can often be balanced out based on external circumstances. You might receive more in a relationship when you feel down, anxious, or depressed, or the opposite might occur when you invest more into a relationship when you notice the other person having some difficulties. Once again, this depends on the nature of the relationship, but it is something that I feel makes relationships healthy. Relationships can sometimes become one-sided in which one person always has to be “up” or “down,” which results in too much pressure to maintain this status.

Relationships should not only be centered around this transactional viewpoint. Healthy relationships are ones in which you feel accepted and valued for who you are, not just what you can offer others. If you feel that your relationships are just built upon doing things for others or giving yourself to others, that can leave you feeling invalidated. That is a conditional form of acceptance that can often leave you feeling manipulated and used by others. These relationships are extremely one-sided and do not often last long-term.

In essence, relationships are transactional due to what we invest in and what we receive from others. To maintain healthy relationships, I believe that we constantly monitor how relationships affect us, how much we’re investing in our relationships, and how we feel that others treat us in our relationships. It will vary from situation to situation, but ultimately relationships should be interactions with others that we feel support us and lift us.