Ask a therapist > Relationships > Boyfriend wants me to choose btwn him and my job - I don’t understand the problem?

Boyfriend wants me to choose btwn him and my job - I don’t understand the problem?

My boyfriend recently gave me an ultimatum - him or my job. We have had a number of issues over our 3 year relationship, including a lack of emotional intimacy and jealousy/paranoia (about covid, that I might be cheating), so I’m trying to understand what this is really about. My boyfriend has said it’s up to me to figure it out but has also said I talk too much about work (I don’t complain, I talk about it a lot because I love it), that it puts me in situations that aren’t good for me (high stress) and that he doesn’t like (socialising with alcohol and male coworkers). I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and while my relationship with him has been part of this, I feel like I’m finally hitting my stride in my career after almost a decade of trying to get back on track. My job is undeniably demanding, but to me it has been a net positive. My family and friends all support my career and talk to me about how happy I am at work, but they do not support my relationship with my bf for the reasons summarized above. Recently, I had a PTSD break on a work trip, because people were nice to me and I didn’t believe I deserved it; my boyfriend was traveling and didn’t answer his phone; I got help from my closest friends, who happens to be male, who let me stay in their hotel room in a bed of my own. My boyfriend flew off the handle that I cheated on him - there was no acknowledgement of my crisis. To be clear, there was nothing that remotely approached cheating, but he maintained for days he didn’t believe me, and he blames my job for triggering the break. It seems clear cut to me that I should leave him but I’ve also been convinced for 6 years that he is the love of my life. I suspect he has valid concerns about my job but also that our relationship is damaging me. Would really appreciate any advice on getting through this, I’m usually very proactive and but now I'm feeling so stuck.
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Asked by Ester
Relationships
Intimacy
Answered
05/31/2022

Ester,

Hello, it is very nice to meet you! You ask an excellent question. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this with your boyfriend right now. Being given an ultimatum about a job that you love has to be very difficult. It sounds like you love your job and feel that you are where you want to be career wise. 

It is also concerning to hear that your friends and family do not support your relationship with him. That tells me that they also see concerns, red flags in the relationship. 

If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about the relationship and what other things your boyfriend has said or done. During the time you and he have been together, has he made other demands on you - such as displaying controlling or jealous behaviors, telling you who you can and cannot be friends with, etc? From what you are saying, you do believe that the best thing for you would be to leave him. But, you are struggling with making that decision on your own or having him blame you. Six years is a long time to be with someone. Of course, this is going to be a very difficult decision to make. 

Some things to remember include: it is not your fault he is this way or that he is jealous or accusing you of cheating. He seems to have deep seated trust issues. Regarding the situation with the hotel and your friend, I would imagine that your boyfriend knows this person and that you and he are absolutely just friends. I know that it must have been very painful and disappointing to you that he did not even acknowledge the crisis you had experienced.

I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist to help work through some of these issues and help you decide what would be the best course of action for yourself. 

I hope that you have found this to be helpful and wish you all the best moving forward on your journey. 

(MA, LPC)