Can attraction to someone grow?

There are many factors that can contribute to how we feel about someone, our desire to become closer to them, and how attractive they are to us emotionally and physically.  The more someone aligns with our values, personality, and needs, the more we feel a pull toward them as our brains produce those feel-good hormones created for bonding and trust-building. Think back to your first partner, or someone you felt strong romantic feelings for.  Did you have the urge to be closer to that person?  Did they become more attractive as you got to know (and like) them more?  If the answer is yes, then you experienced your attraction growing for that person!

Attraction on a basic level is pretty straightforward—we fall somewhere on the spectrum of attraction to others just by looks alone.  In some cases, we may never have a physical attraction to a person no matter what their personality is like, while others that are incredibly attractive may lose their appeal once we get to know them.  When we initially like what we see, personality and other factors can grow our likeness toward the person relatively quickly.  This may be accomplished through witnessing the way they treat others, their level of confidence, the ways in which they show love or care, and/or the way they express certain personality quirks.

Take time to identify a time this has happened in your life.  What qualities attract you to others?  What does/has your partner done that has increased your desire to bond?  It’s also true that sometimes attraction can’t grow.  Maybe someone has broken our trust, or we feel resentment toward that person.  Or maybe we have grown or changed in some way that reshaped how we see someone.  Attraction is individualized, so it can really depend on the specific factors in each situation.

There are ways to try to reestablish attraction to someone you once felt desire toward.  One is through communication—assertively expressing your needs and what helps you feel connected can prompt your partner to act accordingly---and may rebuild the attraction you once felt.  Learning each other’s love languages (the ways in which we feel loved by others) also has the capacity to build attraction if both parties are invested.  It can take hard work, but can definitely be worth the effort!