Ask a therapist > Relationships > Can I get back together with my ex if I truly work on myself and heal my insecurities?

Can I get back together with my ex if I truly work on myself and heal my insecurities?

My girlfriend and I recently broke up. There were issues with my insecurities and anxieties which placed pressure on her. I want to grow and I want her to come back into my life. She says we’ll talk again, just not in the near future, she says she wants to enter a period of no contact. She’s said numerous times since the breakup that she thinks we’re meant to be, that she wants us to get back together eventually, but she has said there’s no guarantee but it’s something she’s open to in the future. She said a few days before we had the argument which led to the breakup that she felt she’s never been alone and that she is struggling because she doesn’t know who she is anymore, this has been ongoing since before we got together last year. Is it the case that she wants us both to grow so we can make the relationship a better success if we get back together? She said that she didn’t want to break up, she doesn’t want to lose me, but I have to work on myself and become less codependent and make sure that I’m not reliant on the relationship for my happiness. I feel like while that’s something that is true, she may be projecting to some extent as she wants to work on herself too.
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Asked by Son
Relationships
Answered
07/01/2022

Son, 

I'm so glad you reached out for guidance by asking a question. It sounds like you're in a really tough place right now as far as how your relationship ended and what the future will potentially look like for the two of you.

In order to be the most successful you can be in a relationship you have to know yourself and love yourself and take care of yourself. By doing that, you'll be able to be secure in the relationship that you are going to be in. Codependency is not a healthy way to be when it comes to being in a relationship. It can be very toxic. If the two of you are both deciding to work on yourselves that is wonderful. Engaging in counseling would be very beneficial because it can help you able to heal anything that needs to be worked on and addressed in order for you to feel good about yourself.

You mentioned having anxiety and insecurities so these would be great topics to work on with your individual therapist in order for you to be your best self in any type of relationship you may have.

It sounds like you both really care for one another which is a good foundation for a solid relationship. I definitely think after you both have some time apart and hopefully both start working on yourselves and any insecurities that you may have when it comes to relationships, that the relationship will be stronger the next time around.

In engaging in any type of therapy you want to have your self in mind as the focus and not for a potential relationship or something in the future. You really want to stay grounded in the present and focus on any issues from your past that may be affecting your present day functioning and attachment.

Again I'm so glad you reached out for guidance by asking your question. Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself and heal any past issues that may be affecting your present. I wish you the best of luck!

(M.Ed, LPC)