Can you give me any advice on my situation?

Hi There,

I'm glad you asked this question, as many people find themselves in this difficult transition in life.  In fact, 40% to 50% of couples in the United States divorce.  The numbers may be higher now, unfortunately.  In addition, the process of divorce is not usually quick and easy.  It can be costly, and, as you know, last a long time while still living under the same roof. 

For couples who have made the agreement to continue living together as the transition happens, there are things that need to be considered.  First, boundaries need to be adjusted.  What has worked in your marriage may no longer be appropriate.  We need to take a look at your emotional boundaries.  Now that you are divorcing, the amount of information you share with each other may need to change.  Maybe your relationship was porous before, where you shared everything and now it needs to be a bit more closed, where you keep your life events to yourself and start to turn for support to others in your life.  This shift in the relationship may be enough to start feeling better.  Another boundary that may need to be adjusted is in regards to time.  How much time is comfortable for you to spend with each other?  Are you shifting your time and attention away from your relationship and more on yourself and building new sources of support?  Obviously the space boundary will help you create both of these boundaries easier, but it doesn’t mean you can’t start that shift now.  There are also material, financial, and sexual boundaries that shift, and these are all areas to consider.  Make sure you ask yourself what is comfortable and not comfortable for you now and moving forward?  All these boundaries need to be shifted to adjust for this change in your relationship.

Another issue that may be coming up for you is how to deal with the things that you can’t control.  I can imagine this next six months may feel like everything is out of your control.  What may help you is to make a list of the (1) things you can control, (2) the things you can’t, and (3) the areas that you can influence.  Each time you start feeling helpless, ask yourself these three questions.  Make a clear boundary and let go of the things that are out of your control.  We can’t control what your ex is doing, how receptive they are to your personal space, and whether they are considering your feelings in this situation.  We can control, however, how you respond, how you feel, and how you take care of yourself.  You may be able to influence some things by asserting your needs and setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

Living with your ex for the next six months will be a challenge, but it can also be a good opportunity for you to work on all of these very important self-care items. 

Counseling can be a great source of support for you as you navigate this.  Good luck!