Does my cheating ex owe me closure?

Thank you for reaching out.  I’m sorry to hear that your partner has had an affair.  I assume some of your friends and family have strong opinions and advice to support you through this time.  When relationships break down there isn’t an easy answer or a one-size universal guide on ending things. 

Closure is the act of terminating something in a way that leaves you feeling satisfied, even if that satisfaction tastes bittersweet.  And most times getting closure, especially after an affair, is not easy as it can be emotionally and also physically taxing after enduring the pain of being deceived by someone you trusted.

Firstly, you should embrace and work with the pain.  Many self-soothe methods; using alcohol, being in denial or using dating apps for brief relationships, don’t get you anywhere, they are an unhealthy short-term coping mechanism. Allowing yourself to feel and express the pain you can start working to let it go.  To use a cliché, ‘time is a great healer’ and allow yourself the time to acknowledge this.

Relationships are complex and very unique; take the time to recognise the good and not-so-good things from the relationship in order to learn and grow within yourself.  You may initially cling to the view that everything was good before the affair and that this solely ruined everything.  But realistically, over time you may recognise that everything wasn’t perfect, but rather there were some cracks, and that the affair was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

Getting angry and vengeful also isn’t a healthy way to move on either. Recognise that this could be due to denial, a reluctance to feeling your pain and/or trying to convince yourself that you never loved your ex.  By focusing on the not-so-good times and seeing your ex as awful is undermining you and your life choices.  You chose your ex and your relationship, and I feel on the whole wasn’t all bad. 

Another deflection method is tying together with statement, for instance, "all men cheat."  Just because you’ve been cheated on once it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again.  Give yourself permission to learn to trust again as being in victim mode for too long isn’t healthy either.

We tend to have a period where we like to blame ourselves for what we see as 'failures' in relationships. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself as self-blame is never productive, the outcome of the relationship is accountable to both of you. Beating yourself up over what happened isn’t going to change anything – it’s only going to hold you back from building yourself up.

Try to harness the hurt and pain into something positive. Use your free time, that you might have now, to allow yourself to do the things you'd refrained from doing previously. Be determined to use the immense energy and emotion passing through you to find momentum and drive to push your own goals forward. While the sadness can be very present, the months after a break up can trigger possibly the most productive and inspiring time in your life. Start mending the relationship you have with yourself.  Reconnect with yourself, your loves, your passions, and figure out what you want from your life. Only when you learn to accept and love yourself can you have true emotional closure.

Another way to get emotional closure is to remind yourself why ending the relationship was the right thing to do. Make a list or journal your feelings, what you have learnt, etc. This is a wonderful outlet for your feelings, and can greatly reduce psychological distress by doing a brain dump. Practice letting go of your relationship by taking it one day at a time and remind yourself that you have made a decision that is right for you.

Having closure is comforting and there are plenty of other reasons for wanting it, but it isn’t necessary for moving on. You need to find a way to live with the pain you are feeling at the moment.  If the relationship is definitely over, make sure it is ended once and for all so that you can truly move on with your life.  Cut off all contact where possible and try to resist using social media for updates. Block them from your social media, delete their phone number, and make a clean break.

The best thing for getting closure is to accept that what’s done is done. You can’t change the past, but you can make a better future for yourself. Once you learn to leave the past where it belongs, you’ll be able to put your attention where it matters most: rebuilding your happiness.