Ask a therapist > Relationships > How can I better handle retroactive jealousy in my relationship?

How can I better handle retroactive jealousy in my relationship?

I've been dating my partner for about a year and a half now. Although I've dated some in the past, this is my first "real" relationship. I was very focused on school and my career and just never met someone I wanted to dedicate more time to until my current partner. He has had multiple long term relationships lasting up to 5 years and I find myself struggling with retroactive jealousy. Where do I fit in? How is this relationship different from the others? Are there parts of his other relationships that he misses?

We've openly talked about our pasts, but I still find myself wanting to dissect his more to find out where I stand in all this (which I find unhealthy and toxic on my part if I try to push too hard). Early on in the relationship he said this was the most healthy and real relationship he's ever been in and we talk about a long term future, but I still can't get over my insecurities. He's loved other people, but he's the only one I've ever loved.

Some backstory on him, his mom fought a cancer battle for over a decade and traumatically passed away when he was a teenager. Not long after her passing, his longterm high school sweetheart broke up with him after he became disconnected from the relationship. He's admitted that after that relationship he's had a few "flings" and toxic relationships so he wouldn't be alone. He's done a lot of work on his end to heal and has had a few healthier relationships between then.

I've always been more independent and have never experienced a trauma like that, so I struggle with the idea of "quickly" falling for people the way he has, which I think is normal. I'm the type of person who needs more of an emotional connection to even be attracted to anyone. I don't know if I need more reassurance from my partner or if I need to take sole ownership of this overthinking and try to find tools to better accept that I can't control my partner's past or the way he's currently thinking. I truly love him, but I'm exhausting myself with this overthinking and unjustified jealousy because he's never given me a reason to be jealous within the confines of our relationship.
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Asked by Rose
Relationships
Dating
Answered
12/13/2022

Hi there, I am glad that you reached out.

When you enter into a relationship of any kind, there will always be differences of opinion and also a different "lens" to how you each respectively see the world. This is normal and ok. We all come from different backgrounds and see things differently and so if your partner does not see things the way you do, there is no reason that you should try and "fix" that or try to change each other's perspectives. I am not sure if the way he sees things makes you nervous because if he sees things differently than you when it comes to relationships, that might make you nervous about his judgment in general or how he will conduct himself going forward. 

I would begin to work on aspects of yourself that may attempt to control your environment or those around you so that you feel at ease. This is often a reflection of someone who experiences very predictable or very unpredictable behaviors from childhood caregivers. I would begin to process some of that, if that is the case, and work to understand why a differing perspective makes you nervous and go from there.

Also, because this is your first time in a serious relationship, you may feel scared or nervous that you don't quite understand how relationships work and/or your partner may leave you or cheat on you if you do not behave in ways that his past partners did. Again, that is totally normal to feel that way. The question that you have to make sure you keep coming back to is, is there any objective proof to what I'm afraid of? If not, then it is based on the way in which you are viewing the issue. It's old stuff, old thought patterns or fears and working with yourself to understand those fears and where they come from is first. Then, learning to sit with them and not run from them or externalize them (eg, my partner must be cheating because I feel scared right now) is next.

A therapist can also help you to navigate these issues and I would recommend reaching out to one if you feel stuck. All the best!

(MS, LPC, NCC)