How can I humble myself and be a better person?

Hi Jim,

Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time, I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this situation and it is causing you so much pain and emotional turmoil.  I cannot say whether or not your ex-girlfriend will be willing to come back into your life or not, I do appreciate and respect the fact you want to humble yourself and become a better person.

I am not sure what drove you to propose or the order of events and how they occurred.  I would say a proposal after cheating (at least to most people) is not the way to show empathy, commitment or even an apology.  There are bigger concepts that need to be addressed first.

All behavior has meaning.  I am going to ask what need you were meeting when you decided to be intimate with another person.  What need were you meeting?  All behavior has meaning, what was the meaning of yours?  Were you lonely and trying to connect with someone?  Where you getting revenge?  Were you wanting to explore something new sexually and your partner did not?  I am not implying any of these were the needs you were meeting, I am trying to provide examples of how to help you identify which need you may have been meeting with that specific behavior.

I would encourage you to look at the healthy components of a relationship.  What are they for you?  I would say some of them include trust, respect, physical and emotional safety, and communication to name a few.  What is present and what is missing in that specific relationship or any others?

I would also say empathy is huge in any relationship.  People often mix up empathy and sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, empathy is placing yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to figure out how they may feel based on the experience.  You do not necessarily have had to go through the same or even a similar experience to understand and practice empathy.  How do you think your girlfriend feels because of the situation?  How do you think she was impacted?  Empathy is not about apologizing.

I believe people say sorry too often and too quickly that at times, the words become meaningless.  I am wondering what does an apology actually mean to your girlfriend or the other person who you are interacting with?  Does it mean taking responsibility for your behavior and owning the actions or does it mean something else?

I am hoping some of the above questions and thoughts provide you some answers on how to look inside of yourself to see what you want to do differently when it comes to the relationship you have with yourself along with the relationship you have with others.

I wish you the best in moving forward in your journey.

Best,

Erica

You mentioned you want to be a better person.  What qualities about yourself do you like and why?  Which ones would you want to change and why?  What is about yourself that attract people?