How do I continue to heal from abandonment issues? i have identified that the issue is there.

I am  sorry that you have had to deal with the pain of being abandoned, and the issues that may emerge from the fear of this possibly terrifying experience, especially, as you may also now see how some people who are key in your life, may have left you, or prepare to leave, and more de-stabilizing for you, could threaten to leave you.  It can also be your experience from what you have written, that the anticipation (whether warranted, or not) of others leaving you, can also make you particularly vulnerable, and possibly easily manipulated, because you would almost accept anything in terms of bad conduct, in order not to feel the specially harrowing pain of being alone, deserted, and without the hope of having a partner, near you, and in your life to comfort you, and spend days, and nights, in your presence.

It is important to understand, that feelings and fears of abandonment may exist, not just if there has been a disruption in the early infant-caregiver relationship, but may extend to a child’s experiences of loss, during formative periods, or the tragic displacement, or sensed betrayal, later on, in critical relationships.  This includes traumatic events, abuse, and also neglect during, and beyond infancy, and childhood.  Events experienced directly, or vicariously, can also injure us, and lead us to feel vulnerable, and at risk, fighting for survival, with attached, panic, feelings, depression, and overwhelmed by anxiety.

Healing from these feelings, and trying to cement attachments, in a manner that will not trigger those fearful responses that you may know very well, and that I have attempted to touch upon here, may lead you to seek the origin of where these feelings come from you, in your experience, growing up.  As human beings, part of our nature, especially when very young, is to cling to the nurturing caregiver, and to literally seek life, and sustenance from them.  Being that we are mammals, this nurturing interaction, with a caregiver, becomes a matter of life, and death, and the terrifying prospect of being dropped, and left unfed, can cause the acute terror, that you can see, and hear when babies are left alone, or not carried, or when they are hungry.  At these early stages of our development, there is no moderation, or nuanced, subtle emotions, and satisfactions.  Everything is over the top, highly dramatic, and wrought with raw need, that is desperate, and as instinctually driven as the baby’s latching, suckling, and clinging to the nurturing, feeding, presence.  This is our first extraordinary psychosocial experience: One that is threaded into our survival!  Therefore, when faced with the separation, from this nurturing presence, our survival instinct kicks in, and we feel the same sensations, that a Fight or Flight response yields, because we fear our very own extinction from existence, and therefore we may then think, and somehow know a script that is crucial to our survival: "Cling to that safe presence, because our lives depend on it, and suck life back into our bodies, before we are devastated by the loneliness, and empty agonizing fears, that serve as a catastrophic warning, before dying of horrible starvation!"

These feelings of ‘starvation’ can lead to different ways in which we will attach ourselves to people that we love.  These are known as Attachment Styles.  Emotional proximity, and the palpable feelings of closeness, leading to, or resulting from intimacy, will be at the heart of these Attachment Styles.  Sometimes, we may react in opposition to what could be a needy dependence, by rebelling against our attachment, and maybe even resisting closeness, and intimacy, or creating problems, for others who may genuinely care for us, and do not intend to leave.  Becoming distant, and resisting connections may also alternate with clingy, needy behavior, and further complicate matters, in critical relationships.

The great news, lies in Healing.  Healing is possible, because we have a very reliably resilience nature, as part of our human condition.  Hence, recovery and healing require first, an understanding of our Attachment Style, and the inherent contradictions, that may exist in our relationships, which may actually create in order to manage what we fear is an inevitable end.  Healing requires the strength, to learn more about what the true abandonment fears were about, and try to understand the time difference, and power differential in our present lives, versus, when we first may have survived what stimulated these fears, and concerns.

I typically talk about how I can guide the management of these Attachment Styles, to help along healing, through a binary approach: Symptomatic: Addressing the symptom formation, and helping people with meditative, and other related techniques that will mitigate against the Fight or Flight responses, and the other symptoms that could also include sabotaging, low self-esteem, and inability to trust anyone, or many processes that are beneficial, and lead to maturing growth, and self-empowerment.  I also address the psychogenic, or psychological emotional root cause, that may have lead to the original disruption in our ability to attach properly.  Understanding those dynamics, and as mentioned before, realizing, how the present, and the future, need not be linked to horrific experiences from the past (“What a relief!”), can help us re-establish, and reframe a new sense of self, and identity, along with healthier independence, and our own precious ability to thrive, with, or without someone else, and reliant on our fortitude, and demonstrable resilience in surviving, and overcoming the original neglect, or losses, and displacement, that caused the first instances of our injury to self, and relationships.