How do I find myself and re-attract my ex boyfriend ?

Thanks for your question. Change is difficult for most people. Change generally is a positive thing. We must be open to change, as it is the only constant. Many of us have underlying fears about change, about wanting to change, needing to change, and not knowing how to do so. 

That said, I think working on yourself, finding meaning in your life, apart from your ex would be a good place to start. Imagine if we are still the same person at 30 that we were at 20, or, at 50 years of age. People can and do change, if they want to. The great thing is that you have the power to change. You have the power to control your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and if you don't like your thoughts, feelings and actions, only you can change them. We are only responsible for our own happiness. We can not possibly know what someone else is thinking or feeling. 

Moreover, I would like to see you focus on your strengths, your abilities. Let's identify what you are good at, what you want to do, and then think about how you get there. Do you have career or professional goals? If so, how does this play into your relationships? What about self-care? This is a form of change, or it can be, if we take care of our physical and mental health. (The part about going to rave parties is a bit concerning to me). 

I would invite you to be the best version of yourself. In doing so, you will attract others, the attention of others, not just your ex-boyfriend.  Tell me about your anxiety. Do you get anxiety about what you know or what you don't know?  There is a concept of internal validation. That means feeling good from within, and drawing confidence from your strength. External validation, such as from a partner, a boss, occurs when they praise you in some way. Let's see if you can feel good about yourself, and that will allow you to build a foundation for a relationship.

Also, I would like to know why your ex talks about deserving someone better than him? What were the strengths of that relationship? What were the challenges? What would be different next time? It is possible two people come together after time apart, growth and reflection. That depends. I would like to see you build that inner confidence, an increase in self-esteem. That is attractive. 

Lastly, let's identify positive coping skills to manage stress, anxiety, and depression. Let's try to reduce those feelings and work thru them, if we can't eliminate them. Let's work on identifying, exploring and expressing those emotions in productive ways.