How do I gain my wife's trust back after being unfaithful?

Hi, and thanks for your question.

Regardless of the nature of the betrayal, rebuilding trust takes time, cannot be rushed, and -- even given all of that -- can't be guaranteed, no matter how much time elapses or how hard all parties involved try to make it work. Nevertheless, you're starting off in a good position, which is one of curiosity: wondering what you can do to earn your wife's trust again.

Each person will have a slightly different process as to how they determine whether they're willing to try to trust someone again, and how that trust is ultimately earned. That being said, there are some places you might begin...

1. Ask Your Wife What She Needs From You

Be willing to have an open and honest dialogue with your wife about what the betrayal means to her; allow her to tell you how it made and makes her feel; be willing to openly and honestly answer any questions she might have of you. Ask if she would be willing to try to work on the relationship and work on trusting you again. Ask her what she needs from you in order to start working toward re-establishing a basis for trust. Don't be afraid to give her space in which to carefully consider what she might need from you. This step (all of the above-mentioned pieces of it) will require you to be humble; it will require you to listen non-defensively; it will require you to be able to tolerate a certain amount of discomfort; it will require you to be able to comfort yourself through that discomfort; it will require you to "take your lumps" so to speak, in the sense that she may say things that you're not wanting to hear, but which are an outgrowth of the decision(s) you made which ultimately led to the betrayal and subsequent and justified feelings of mistrust.

2. Be Willing To Make Some Changes

These changes may be temporary/time-limited, or they may be longer-lasting. She may ask to see your phone just once to verify that the contacts are erased; she may ask to see it periodically. She may ask for the password so she can check your phone whenever she feels the need. She may have other requests/requirements. You do get to decide whether you're willing to comply with those requirements and if they appear reasonable to you, but do remember that in order to re-establish a basis for trust, you may need to agree to a certain amount of intrusion into your former privacy, as your wife may need to find tangible evidence that you're being truthful in order to begin repairing the foundation of trust. In other words, it absolutely, positively must be based on more than words alone. There must be a behavioral basis upon which her trust in you might be able to grow. Remember -- if she is willing to try to trust you again, she is putting herself in a highly vulnerable place -- one in which she might be hurt deeply again by someone she loves; you, too, are in a vulnerable place by asking for forgiveness, and in allowing her to "check up on you" as she sees fit. You may or may not be willing to go to that extent, and your willingness (or lack thereof) may impact her willingness and ability to try re-establishing the basis for trust. Also, try to remember that a place of vulnerability -- while generally uncomfortable for most people -- is also a place where closeness and growth happens. If both people are willing to truly work on their relationship, it *can* come out stronger than before. Sometimes couple's therapy is needed to facilitate that kind of growth and re-connection; sometimes individual therapy is needed (for both partners), and sometimes a mixture of individual therapy for both partners *and* couple's therapy is what brings the couple to a healthier place. But I digress: Be open to what she needs in order to try re-establishing trust, and if you agree to what she is asking for, try to find a way to tolerate the (necessary) intrusion.

3. Defensiveness Kills

When you're in the beginning stages of repairing a relationship and your wife needs to "see" something tangible in terms of behavior (or lack of behavior) and it's real-world representation, getting defensive (or irritated...or upset) about the questions she's likely to ask (or the tears she seems to randomly cry...or the angry outbursts that seem to come from nowhere) will do *nothing* to repair trust. On the contrary, if you can find it within yourself to approach her repeated questions or fluctuating emotional state with genuine understanding, compassion, concern and openness, that will go a long way toward her feeling seen and heard, and that you're really understanding the depth of her pain as a result of your actions. Know that she will likely keep asking questions and seeking information and reassurance until she no longer needs to, which is a timeframe that can't be predicted; it needs to run its course, and if that course is interrupted for any reason, the betrayed heart and mind almost seamlessly chalk the interruption up to another reason *not* to trust.

4. Know The Limits

Forgiveness and re-building of trust is a two-way street, and if you've asked your wife what she needs from you and have generally given that to her, it's *not* reasonable to think that you'd be forever up for punishment as a result of your transgression -- there are limits -- and those limits are unique to the couple involved. She has to, at some point likely far in the future from where you're at now, be willing to "give back" some of your privacy and personal boundaries (or however the two of you negotiate the future in that regard) in order to actually express the trust that's been re-established...and that's often a tricky phase to navigate for all involved, and is often well-served by a good couple's therapist.

Best wishes to you both!