How do I get through the pain of a temporary separation from my wife?

Thank you for submitting your question. And I am truly sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I am sorry that you are struggling and facing this painful challenge right now.

Right now your entire world has been unexpectedly turned upside down. It is a difficult thing to adjust to and cope with. Separation from a spouse can be one of the most stressful things you may encounter in life. So, if it feels like it is – it really is.

It might feel nearly impossible to get through each day and to remain productive. There might be a variety of different feelings which come up for you including sadness, exhaustion, frustration, doubt, fear, confusion, and perhaps even some anger. You might feel some or all of these. You are venturing into a new and unknown phase. And the unknown can be quite frightening and unsettling. Everything you are feeling is normal. Whatever the emotion is. It is okay to cry and grieve. It is okay to let the feelings out. This is not the time to push everything down and away. Do not pretend all is fine. It isn’t. Go ahead and feel whatever feelings arise. Cry. Scream. Punch a pillow. Get the emotions out.

At this time, you are not going to be functioning at your peak. That’s okay and entirely expected. So, try as best you can to be patient and compassionate with yourself. This is truly a heavy weight upon you and you won’t perform at optimal levels for probably a while. You might feel tired and like your brain is in a bit of a fog. You might find yourself forgetting an appointment or find it difficult to complete a task that is typically easy. You might sit down to pay a bill you have paid for years – and suddenly you cannot recall who you are supposed to pay. Your brain is under tremendous stress right now and it is struggling to function. Your brain and body will feel under attack and so doing the usual tasks of life are not the priority – your mind is hyper attuned to self-preservation so high-level tasks become far more challenging to tackle. It can be hard to focus and concentrate. Your brain is very busy dealing with a trauma right now. Accept and acknowledge the reality of all this and do your best to give yourself a bit of a break. Lower your expectations for yourself during this time.

Do your absolute best to take good care of yourself. Nurture yourself more than you ever have before. Even if that just means lying down to rest and maybe listen to a podcast or watch a movie. It does not have to be fancy or complicated. It is whatever feels doable and best to you. Try to get outside and go for a walk. See if you can find a companion to join you. Make sure you eat well. Do your best to get enough sleep. Stick to your usual routine as much as you can. Recognize that now is not the ideal time to make a major life change or make any new, major decisions. Keep it simple. Keep it all business as usual as much as you can. Stay away from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. These will not be good coping tools and will just makes things worse.

Try journaling. Write about what is happening and how you feel about it. This is a great place to get honest and to reflect.

If you are religious, now more than ever is the time to lean into that. Read devotions and engage in prayer. Attend church services.

An important element when we find ourselves in this type of situation is the need for support. Please do not go through this alone. More than ever, you need and will benefit from opening up to friends and family. Think about anyone you feel connected to, someone who you can trust. You do not need to talk about this with everyone, but at least one or two trusted people who you can call upon to be there for you – to listen, to sit with you, to be at your side through this. Find someone who will just be there and hear you out without trying to solve or fix things. Someone who will allow you to let all your emotions hang out – the good, the bad and even the ugly crying. Isolation will just make things worse. Consider seeking out a support group. And if you have not already made an appointment with one, give thought to meeting with a therapist. Do not hesitate to ask for help. This is all hard. Reach out and ask for all the support you feel you need.