Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I improve my relationship with my partner after I hurt his feelings in a major way?

How do I improve my relationship with my partner after I hurt his feelings in a major way?

I hurt my partner's feelings in a major way that has caused him a lot of pain and anger and disappointment. I made a mistake by asking a stupid question, when I knew how he felt about the topic. I get defensive while arguing with him as well, which I am trying to change. I'm trying to be more understanding when he is explaining his hurt and why he is hurt. He is shutting me out and I don't know how to stop it. We are trying to move on but I can't seem to ease the tension between us. What should I do?
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Asked by Ria
Relationships
Answered
12/25/2022

Thank you very much for your question. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I truly understand your emotions and feeling regarding all this. On the one hand, I can see how you are feeling a bit sad and disappointed in yourself for hurting your partner's feelings. On the other hand, I can also see you have hope and will in terms of moving on from this past situation. I am very sorry that you feel stuck in these circumstances, nonetheless, I can provide some ideas that I honestly think might be very helpful. From my point of view, when something like this happens, the initial situation where the feelings are hurt, in a couple there are 2 options: stopping the relationship or moving on. 

As he has decided to stay and you both want to move on, there are some things to take into account:

1. To move on it's necessary to forgive the other one. Otherwise, it's just a matter of time before you have similar arguments again and again about the same topic, with same resentment, etc.

2. To help you with the process of forgiveness, it would be interesting to establish together some new rules or conditions regarding what he needs to be able to move on, the more specific the conditions are the better it works. It's important not to agree to anything just to be able to move on, you must not accept things that are unacceptable to you. 

3. Once you both decide and redefine the new scenario, it's important not to bring things from the past up, as it will only make you both go over the situation again and again. 

If, for any reason, it seems he can not move on or the conditions are just never going to be acceptable or the new situation is just something unsustainable, then perhaps the only possibility would be taking some time apart, which would be sad but wouldn't make you suffer more in the process without good outcomes. 

I hope you both can speak about it all in more detail in an assertive way so you can take into agreement and move on. Wish you all the best. 

(Master's, Degree, in, Third, Generation, Psychological, Therapies, Bsc, in, Psychology, Msc, in, Prevention, of, Addictions)