How do I know if I miss being with him or miss just having someone there?

Hi Saph,

You are having natural feeling in the longing that comes from missing your boyfriend; these feelings can range from minor feelings of sadness to downright agony depending on the relationship and the amount of time you've been apart. Naturally, missing your boyfriend is a totally normal reaction to being separated from them. Whether you've gone a few days or a few weeks without seeing him; worrying after someone who isn't physically with you really sucks. Your heart will ache for him no matter how good or how bad the relationship is, and then your head will get involved in the situation also.  Your brain will cause major waves of emotions that are difficult to see with our own eyes, but neurobiology tells us that many chemical reactions will occur in your brain. 

All people are motivated by our brain processes, and many times we have no idea that these processes are occurring on a conscious level, but that doesn't mean that the feelings arising from these chemical reactions don't affect us in very real ways. The brain activity is very similar to that of a person who is drinking alcohol or who has stopped drinking alcohol.  Again, we need to rely upon the fact many neurobiology tells us that many chemical reactions will occur in your brain.  Please go easy on yourself during this time of breakup.  Your brain is working full throttle, and you need to wait a while for your brain to get back to normal.

Once you've fallen for someone, your body naturally speeds up its processing of these feel-good neurotransmitters, which creates a chemical intensity that is often described as "love." It's not long before our bodies become addicted to the euphoric feelings of love triggered by our partners.  It is fine to have these feelings of euphoric love.  You want that feeling of euphoric love again, but you are questioning if you can have that with another person.  Yes, there is no scientific evidence that only one person is the person that can cause these feelings of euphoric love in you.  Many different people can cause these feelings of euphoric love in you. 

Luckily, there are also ways to combat the feelings of sadness caused by missing someone.  Becoming creative is the best way to get over the feelings of sadness.  When we are being creative, our brains release dopamine, which is a natural anti-depressant. Even though, you might not feel like doing much of anything when you're feeling down, distracting your mind is a key part of overcoming the blues.  Writing, cooking, drawing, photography, art, music, cake decorating, or coloring are some ways that you can divert your attention from not having your boyfriend around you.  Although staying busy and creative can definitely help your brain curb feelings of withdrawal and heartache, it's totally fine if you're still feeling a bit sad.  It's totally normal to miss your partner, but it's nice to know that there's a scientific reason behind why it feels so icky. Try to remember you're not alone; most people on planet earth have had a relationship end at one point in their lives or another.  This current distance between you and your parents might be the spark that you need to have a stronger relationship.  If it is a weak relationship, you are probably better off with it ending right now.  You are under no obligation to continue suffering just to prove that it is a bad relationship. 

You did not mention what you boyfriend did to cause the situation, but you might want to consider forgiveness.  Scientists who study forgiveness have long agreed that it is one of the most important contributors to a healthy relationship. Studies have shown that couples who practice forgiveness are more likely to enjoy longer, more satisfying romantic relationships. Research has even found that people who practice unconditional forgiveness are more likely to enjoy longer lives.

Forgiveness is such a key component to a healthy relationship, because, let’s face it, people are not perfect. No matter how close to complete a soulmate we find, every individual is incredibly different from the next. Couples who form a “fantasy bond” in an effort to merge identities, fall completely into sync and function as one are forgetting this basic reality. They’re also setting themselves up for great disappointment.

It’s important to accept that we all have separate minds and points of view. Each and every one of us is hurt, defended, flawed and inevitably going to make mistakes. Having this perspective doesn’t mean we should sit back and withstand being mistreated.  However, if we want to enjoy a lasting relationship with someone we value and choose to spend our lives with, we may want to grow our ability to forgive.

I don’t know if what your boyfriend did deserves forgiveness, but please realize that forgiveness is more about you than about him.  You will want to forgive so that your anger towards him does not become a resentment.  Anger is poisonous, but resentments are deadly.  When you don’t forgive a person, you will fail to enjoy the present.  Failing to enjoy the present is the greatest thing that you can have, and you might be giving it away for free.  Lack of forgiveness can easily lead to depression and anxiety.  Depression and anxiety can easily lead to many more problems in your life including a lot of physical problems.  Without forgiveness, you will find that you lack meaning and purpose in your life.  Having a meaning and purpose in life can help in many different parts of your life.  If you don’t forgive one person, you will slowly find that you will be losing connectedness with others.  Our common connection with others is one of the strongest forces in the universe, and I would hate to see that you are not trying to utilize it to your advantage.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, and you can easily forgive your boyfriend, but that does not mean that you still want anything to do with him. 

Paul Teska, LPC + LCDC