How do I know if it is my fault the relationship is failing and my family will be broken?

Hello Nik, and thank you for asking a question here on BetterHelp. I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten really rough between you and your partner, communication has stalled and the two of you are very close to ending the relationship. Your initial question is a really good one, and it is a really good question to ask yourself. When I am in couples counseling with people I tell both of them, "the best thing you can do is take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself, 'what can I do to make this marriage better? What changes do I need to make in order to make this marriage more fulfilling and to make it last?'" I always tell people this because the most important thing you can understand about marriage is that you can't change your partner. Your partner is only able to change themselves, and you are only able to change yourself. The more we focus on trying to change our partner the more frustrated we become, and that is because we are trying to control something that we do not have control over. The frustration and anxiety grows, it can be taken out on the relationship and the opposite partner, and it might feel like there is no hope left and the only thing you can do is separate. I have a few suggestions I think could help, but the first thing we have to talk about is therapy itself.

The two of you have children together. I can tell you from over a decade of experience in the world of therapy that divorce does have a strong effect on children. That effect can be reduced by being cordial, but it still has an effect. The two of you also own a home together, if you were to separate it would permanently change your life, your partner's life and your children's lives. I'm telling you this because I want you to understand the ripple effects of ending the relationship. Because of all of this, it is absolutely vital that you and your partner get into some couples counseling. I have met with couples on the verge of divorce who experience a completely different marriage in only four weeks of treatment. Sometimes, all it takes is a little intervention from a professional to help you and your partner get back on track. When we turn our home into a boxing ring, it becomes extremely difficult to turn it back into a loving household on our own. We get stuck in our corners, constantly defending ourselves and trying to put the blame on the other person, trying to force them to change, which we both know is a losing battle. Meeting with a therapist can help bring the two of you back together and help you get to the root of your issues. A therapist can help the two of you communicate well so you not only hear each other, but you understand each other. It is very easy to get linked with a therapist here on BetterHelp; all you have to do is click on "get started" button on the homepage and follow the prompts from there. After you answer some questions, you will be connected with a therapist. If you don't like the therapist you're paired with, then you're more than welcome to choose one on your own or ask to be matched with somebody else. I hope the two of you will consider starting therapy soon. 

Now onto your initial question; once again I can tell you from experience counseling many different couples that this isn't all your fault. It is extremely rare for all of the problems in a relationship to originate from one person. Instead there are typically behaviors and reactions that need to change in both partners. The best way for you to understand what is actually your fault is to ask yourself, "what behaviors am I making and words am I saying that are causing problems in this relationship?"  Once again this is that same idea that you can only change you, you cannot change your partner, so you have to focus on what it is you can do to improve your relationship. Taking into account the things your partner has said, are some of your words or actions hurtful? Or is your partner blaming you for things that you cannot control (ie their feelings or their actions and words)? 

Something else that I really want you and your partner to practice is reflective listening. The whole point of reflective listening is understanding what your partner saying. You are not focusing on coming up with a response, and you're not latching on to one thing they said. Instead you are hearing everything they say and confirming your understanding with them. This gives your partner the opportunity to either confirm that you understood them correctly, or change what they said to make it easier to understand. Part of this entire idea is to make it easier to understand the root issue faster. This will help the two of you stop bringing up things of the past that have happened and will help you stay focused on one issue at a time.

The last thing I want to leave you with is something I tell every couple that I work with. You need three things for your relationship to be moving forward. The first thing you need is acceptance. You must except your partner for who they are and not be constantly trying to change them. This means turning off your inner critic and enjoying them for who they are. The second thing is gratitude, which means having a general thankfulness and appreciation for your partner and the good things they are bringing to the relationship. Gratitude is the antidote to bitterness and resentment. When you are actively looking for things to have gratitude towards in your partner, it becomes very easy to let the small things go. The last thing is forgiveness. Nobody has the opportunity to hurt you as much as your long-term partner, so forgiveness is a must. Forgiveness means choosing to not see your partner through the lens of their mistakes.

I hope you're able to find something that helps and I wish you the best of luck!