How do I know when I should leave a relationship, when a child is involved?

Good Evening 22,

I hope this note finds you well and I thank you very much for your courage, illustrated by you asking such a tough question. It sounds like you have a major dilemma on your hands in your current intimate relationship. The conflicting choices being to breakup your family or continue to endure emotional abuse perpetrated by your partner. I can imagine that you are feeling quite overwhelmed so I want to first, say that I feel privileged to be able to provide you with even the smallest insight that could help you move your life forward happily, and second get you the response you deserve.

The truth is there are a series of ways to know when to leave a relationship, all of which are dependent upon you, your determination, and your assignment of the criteria for breaking up. Consider your values and boundaries within your relationship - when you think on your current partnership / partner, does he have values that match your own or feel a strong urge to help you to uphold your values? Does he respond positively and supportively to your boundaries or encourage you whenever possible to enact them in the relationship and with others? If the answer to either of those questions is no, further discussion may be necessary to determine whether the two of you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship where each person feels mutually cared for and fulfilled. 

Also consider how you feel when you are with your partner and in this relationship. Do you find yourself dreading interacting with him? Is it common place to need time to unwind after any given conversation you have with him because those conversations make you feel sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, hopeless, anxious? Are you finding that you need to vent your frustrations related to your interactions with him or that you frequently ignore his texts / calls / invitations to spend private time together? If you are responding in the affirmative to any of these questions, again I say, further discussion may be necessary to determine whether the two of you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship where both parties feel mutually heard, seen, respected, and ultimately fulfilled.

Finally, if you have verbalized your hurt about his behaviors previously, he has been warned before. This means the offense is one that is recorded in your mind, and you decided after his apology that he deserved a second chance. Is this still true? When considering whether to give someone a second chance it is important to note that they have accepted responsibility for their actions in hurting you in the first place. This leaves room for you to communicate expectations for the future, what you want to see happen differently related to their behavior and the relationship. Is there also something you could do differently? Have your boyfriend’s behaviors changed? Did the change last? If not, are you willing to continue experiencing maltreatment?

I can understand that you feel a little lost right now. You do not know what to do, what would be best for you and your daughter in the long run. I implore you to open your heart and consider what example you would hope to set for your daughter related to the things she should endure for the sake of love and family. You are the first model she has of health, wellness, and accountability to and from others. You can stay and stand up for yourself more openly, more passionately, with more assertion or you can leave with the knowledge that the man you want is one who matches your values, treats you with love, kindness, and the utmost respect. You deserve it. Demand it! Never let anyone suggest that you are not incredibly worthwhile and whole just as you are in this very moment.

I am rooting for you. I know you will make the right the decision with your whole heart and be better for it. Please do not hesitate to return to us at the BetterHelp platform should you require any further assistance with your questions! And please take good care of yourself and your daughter!