How do I move past from my last relationship so it doesn’t affect me moving forward?

I am sorry you have some unresolved issues from a previous relationship that are blocking you from being with a new partner. The end of a relationship can be hard and, a lot of aspects of life have changed in the past 2 years too: this is a challenging period of time for you. You feel like these events have prevented you from getting past her and you aren't able to heal.

 

With regards to your relationship, it is important to allow yourself to heal. Everyone moves on at different speeds, in their own way and when they are ready. There is not a right or wrong length of time to get over a loss, healing takes time. Some days may feel harder than others and each day will come with its own challenges. Allowing yourself patience may help any expectation that you should move on, even if you don’t feel ready to. There will be things you will have learnt from your relationship ending, and you will develop ways to heal outside of the relationship, although it may not feel that way right now.

 

The truth is, endings are hard and how we feel about endings can change. It is not as easy as comparing how quickly one person moves on to another. How you are experiencing this breakup is unique to you. It can be helpful to meet your experience with compassion for yourself; accepting you feel how you feel without dwelling on 'what if' and overly punishing yourself is important. This, overtime, will give you some freedom to make choices as you wish to, rather than the ones you feel you must. One way to do this would be to think how we would like to be and what we would say to a friend if they were in the same situation as us. It can be useful to explore what is different about how we speak to ourselves and what we may need to improve that self-talk.

 

Try not to find blame or fault in why the relationship ended or why it is taking so long to move on. Sometimes, we form beliefs that we are the problem, or if I didn’t do x, then.... The reality is things can change, we learn from our experience and if the will is there, meaningful change can occur. Each relationship and its ending, be that romantic, friendship, professional, etc., are opportunities to grow as well as regret. If we can see and acknowledge changes within us, it can help the process of moving on, as we take something away from the painful experience.

 

Having high compassion for self reduces negative thoughts and dwelling, and enables a connection to yourself at a time you feel lonely. Part of self-compassion is not ignoring or wishing difficult feelings away- you feel how you feel. Importantly, this comes without judgement, sees us as fallible and helps us engage with mindfully caring about ourselves and our actions rather than overthinking them.

 

Being mindful helps improve tolerance and understanding of difficult emotions and can even reduce stress and self-criticism. Apps such as Headspace may help with this as they offer simple mindful activities that can be introduced to your routine. It also reduces dwelling on negative, obsessive thinking. If you notice yourself dwelling on uncomfortable thoughts, working in a mindful way with our emotions helps to ease the burden of this.

 

Self-care is also key to mindfulness. Pain of loss can make us forget our own value and worth. Ensure you are sleeping for 7-9 hours a night, eating, and drinking healthily, and engaging in activities that stimulate positive emotions (e.g., reading, music, exercise). No matter how negative your emotions, remember to treat yourself as if you were a friend- with nurture and care.

 

Remember, your life and your relationships are not the same thing. The end of the relationship is not the end of your journey, but it may be the end of this part (chapter, story, or whatever word might be useful here). Only you, even in a relationship, can experience the relationship the way you do. So, although it may feel like a part of you is still in that relationship, the reality is you are whole, and healing, and making sense of this loss for yourself.

 

It can be hard to feel like you are whole and that there is something you 'shouldn’t' have done when you look at the ending and the mistakes of the relationship. Being critical of yourself or having negative thoughts does not acknowledge the hard work you are doing to resolve this breakup. When we engage these thoughts, it makes the process of moving on harder. However, if you familiarize yourself with it, acknowledge it as criticism rather than fact, it can help separate how you feel about yourself from your thoughts about yourself. Although this may sound hard, a counselor can help with this process if it is one that sounds too difficult to do alone.

 

Questioning whether what you think happened, is what happened, can be important in this process, though this is also challenging. It can help to see the relationship for what it was rather than what we believe it was. You said, you feel lost at the moment. Exploring this more will help, although it may be hard to. The relationship won’t have been perfect, although it may feel it was right now. Denial of how the relationship was makes it harder to accept that there was imperfection and reasons for this ending to occur. You may notice that when you reflect on the issues within the relationship, it helps with your strength in moving forward. Within this, consider what drew you together and whether this was there by the end of the relationship. Are you seeing your ex-partner for who they were, or do you see them more positively than perhaps you ought to?

 

What about how you feel? It can be an emotionally difficult time after a breakup, which can be overwhelming at times. It might help to consider this as a wave: some days the wave will hit us strongly, others it may be gentler. Acknowledging that emotions are part of the process can help, though some of the emotions, such as sadness and anger, can be difficult to own. But they are still what and how you feel. These are separate to our thoughts and our beliefs, which we can question and can work through, just like our emotions. Again, when you feel stuck or in need of support with this, a counsellor can help you to identify thoughts and feelings and explore what you need to help resolve them.

 

Having others know of your difficulties helps reduce feelings of being alone. Finding a language for how we feel can be hard, even though talking things through can be beneficial. Appreciating that the process, and not just the breaking up itself, is hard, can also help to soothe when healing after loss.

 

Do not be afraid to seek help with this as you explore it further. Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs as you are getting to know these aspects of yourself.