How do I obtain clarity about what I want/need concerning my relationship?

Hi Vincent, 

Three and a half years can really develop a lot of experience between the two people. When looking at the connection you have, it may be helpful to consider how you guys got to together and the ways/how you maintain the relationship. Often, relationships can be captured through meaningful acts that have commitments, intimacy, and passion. It's something Sternberg talked about with his Triangular Theory of Love and this might be helpful to reflect on with respect to the relationship and how it feels considering the past, present, and getting your future needs met. 

When you notice doubt or fear, it sounds as if it may be intense or frequent at times. It may be helpful to journal in an effort to build more insight and understanding into the emotions and whether they're reactions to stressors. If they're reactions to thoughts - try not to avoid them but meet yourself where you're at with curiosity and try to weigh the pro's and con's about whether the partnership is sustainable, supportive, and something that you still find yourself interested in/intimately involved in - intellectually, spiritually, socially, sexually, etc. If there are doubts or issues - are they things that are problematic or can we accept/adapt around them? Would it be helpful to bring them up to your significant other to try to strategize via collaboration or compromise? Are the fears or worries based in "what if" -- this might be helpful to notice just in case there's issues with catastrophizing or noticing a string of constant negative things that could happen. I really think journaling could help provide more clarity and provide an outlet for processing thoughts/feelings more intentionally -- especially if you attempted to end the relationship just to help yourself think. Journaling can give you a time and place for this contemplation. I would also suggest tearing up pages if you'd like to release some emotions.

It might also be helpful to look into communication styles to nurture active listening, to set boundaries, and to get your needs met as a individual and as someone in a committed relationship. We all need to make time and space to get our needs met. Building tolerance and room in the relationship to grow is important. Sometimes when we're self-critical, coming from a place of caring and intent to be better, we can turn a corner and notice some negativity or doubt that can stir. If this happens, try to catch yourself and reflect on the things going well (if journaling - we can incorporate this as a gratitude practice). 

I hope this has been helpful and encourage you to explore more of your thoughts and feelings on the relationship, weighing some of the things that you hope/expect out of relationships, and where you would like things to go as an individual and in the relationship.