how do i overcome paranoia in a relationship?

Hi there,

Thank you for your question, it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help when you are struggling. I have read your question and it's not quite clear if the past you are struggling to get over is something that happened within this relationship or something that happened previous to getting in this relationship.

First I want to say that we bring all of our previous experiences and the fears and trust issues with us into our relationships. This is really common and human, however it sounds like for you, these past experiences feel really overwhelming and are coming up to the surface regularly. When this happens we are often unable to respond to situations in our present relationship without it being clouded by the past. This can be problematic and cause tension both with us and our relationship. It can also start a bit of a vicious cycle of fear, reassurance seeking and arguments. It is a cycle that can be broken though with some patience and work.

Often we feel "paranoid" because we really care about the person we are with and are frightened that the past might repeat itself. It can be helpful to identify the things that trigger this fear in you, when you have a good grip on what it is that feels triggering you can then ask yourself what the underlying fear is. Understanding the fear is the first step in starting to overcome it. Once you are clear on the fear you could try journalling about it.

The next step once you have a deeper understanding of the fear is communication, sitting down and talking to your boyfriend about what the fear is and where it comes from and the support you would like to help you to manage that fear. 

The next time you notice the fear thoughts coming up see if you can do some thing to calm your mind and body. Taking some deep breaths, getting outside, having a cold drink of water. And then ask yourself what is the most helpful way I can respond to this fear. Can you sit with it and allow it to pass by, or maybe need to do something soothing for yourself like wrap up in a blanket with a warm cup of tea? Finding ways to manage these fears when they arise helps us to take some of the power away from them. Also it helps us to recognize that these fears are not facts, they are thoughts that are a product of our past experiences. Once we start to recognize that our thoughts aren't facts again it takes some of the power away from them.

It can be in situations like these to have someone to talk to about your past experiences so that you can process them, maybe this is a friend, relative or therapist.

I hope that this has given you some food for thought, the fact that you have written the question in the first place shows that you are already part of the way to overcoming this issue. Good luck with it and take good care.