How do I overcome separation anxiety from a significant other?

Hello James,

Thanks for bringing this question up.  It is very common in relationships to want to spend time together and be with each other 24/7, especially when they are new relationships.  What is important to notice in what you are describing is that there seems to be an emotional overload of that feeling, with no apparent boundaries for yourself or your partner.  We have two sides of our mind, the emotional mind and the reasonable mind.  What we want, when making decisions and actions, is a balance of the emotional and reasonable so that we can make wise decisions.  When the emotional side takes over, however, it grows and throbs in a way that leaves very little room for the reasonable side.  The emotional can be based on primal survival, and acts quickly before the reasonable side even has time to come in.  What we do as we grow and learn how to emotionally self-soothe, we are balancing that emotional and rational side of the brain in order to react with the wise mind. 

There are many techniques to do that, including mindfulness, grounding, challenging the negative thoughts and improving self-care.  In so doing, we are not reacting on impulse, but responding with intention and purpose. 

You pose this question because you know it doesn't feel good for either one of you to be in this dynamic.  You are giving your power away, feeling your fear of abandonment and insecurity, and thus creating a dependent relationship on your partner.  Your girlfriend is feeling the pressure of this role and doesn't want to be in that position because that is too much responsibility for anyone.  When you are able to stop responding to emotional spirals, you will be able to pull in your reasonable mind and make healthier decisions for yourself.  

In therapy I would encourage you to investigate where this fear and need for connection is coming from.  It is important to give yourself compassion as you work through this, because we are not talking about easy stuff.  This sounds like a pattern your brain has stayed in for survival, and we need to take our time processing how this anxiety is serving you.  Once you can let go of the fear that is within you, you will be able to let go of this need to always be with her, and the two of you will be able to come up with a healthy balance that works for both of you.  Good Luck!