How do I start to find myself again after a breakup from a long-term relationship?

Hello - Thank you so much for asking this important question related to relationship break ups. I can tell that you had been completely committed to your relationship and had been very taken aback when your girlfriend informed you about her plan to end the relationship. It sounds like you are looking to begin the process of finding yourself again after this long term relationship has ended. I truly admire your strength and courage in reaching out for support given what you have been experiencing with the recent break up.

It makes sense that you may be feeling sad, lonely and depressed. From your perspective, what is the worst part for you?  Based on your question and your words, I can tell that you have been feeling alone and lost. It sounds like you did not see this coming at all. How would you have liked things to turn out differently? Perhaps asking this question, the answer may be obvious at first but take some time to truly explore your thoughts and feelings about what your preferred outcome would have been.

Of course, this experience is going to be a very difficult thing for you to adjust to. Give yourself the time and space you need to process the break up. You mentioned that you have been in this relationship for over four years! I imagine that in this time span, you were very close and had been actively engaged in each other's lives. It may feel empty for and perhaps there is a void that you have the urge and the need to fill. What are some healthy ways that you can begin to manage that void?

To give you some additional perspective on your situation, I would like to share with you some clinical information on the topic of Adjustment Disorder. Typically, from a clinical standpoint, the adjustment period is about twelve weeks. You may want to set a date on your personal calendar that reflects a time frame about three months after the break up. On or around that day, check in with yourself and see how you are doing. If you are still reeling from the break up, that is okay! It just may be a sign that you still need additional support. The chances are, based on validated and reliable mental health research, that you will likely be in a better place in regards to the break up.

In the meantime, what can you do for yourself to be positive in the near future? I would suggest trying to spend some time after work outside of your home. This may mean going on a walk, or on a hike, to the gym, or perhaps to the mall or a restaurant. It would be good for you to try to meet new acquaintances doing an activity that you enjoy!

I also recommend practicing self care skills to address the feelings of depression that you have been having, no matter what the circumstance is. The ways in which you choose to spend your time will ultimately be reflected in your thoughts and feelings. What have you been doing to take care of yourself and manage the symptoms of depression that you have been having?

I know that you mentioned that your significant other was not only your girlfriend but also your best friend. What are some activities that the two of you did together? Is it possible for you to try those activities without her, by yourself or with someone else? I suspect that doing this may be triggering at first but the exposure to trying those activities may be especially beneficial and healing for you, as well.

As for therapy, I recommend individual counseling at this time. Sessions with a trained therapist will likely reveal that the core issue is more than simply the main issue (the break up). You may spend the first few sessions discussing the break up and aspects of the relationship but with the time, energy and appropriate guidance, the conversations that you have with your therapist will likely evolve to new heights which you may not have initially anticipated.

I would be curious to hear more about your relationship history as a whole. How have you been able to cope with break ups in the past? Utilize the skills and tools that you know works well for you. You may want to try some new ideas, too. Essentially, I want to encourage you to give yourself some time to process your experiences in a safe way. You truly have the capability to mange these experiences in healthy ways.

As a provisionally licensed art therapist, I always recommend that you take some time to create art work. This may manifest itself in various ways, such as through painting, drawing, sculpture and journaling. You may choose to draw your feelings or a map of the relationship. It may be useful for you to write a letter that you do not plan to send. Journaling about your feelings throughout the week will also be key to processing your thoughts and feelings.

Additionally, I recommend pairing any art based activity with a sensory experience of sorts. This will assist you in grounding yourself and becoming more in tune with your five senses. You may want to start with coloring within a circle (a mandala), as this is scientifically proven to lower heart rate and blood pressure as well as create a sense of relaxation. While you practice drawing or coloring you can listen to your favorite music, light a candle, or drink a cup of hot tea. It is completely up to you how you choose to adapt this idea!

I want to thank you so much for taking the time to reach out for support on the BetterHelp platform! I wish you all the best in your therapeutic journey! You can absolutely regain your strength, energy and ability to feel joy again. I hope that you are able to stay positive and grounded through this experience.