How do I stay happy when my husband is irritable and grumpy 90% of the time?

Hello CL,

Thank you for sending in your question. This is an important question because it speaks to how we affect one another in marriage, our responsibility for our own mental health and also the stages of marriage that we go through. You have been married over a decade, so you are in a new stage of life now than when you first got married and your marriage can grow with you as you both grow as individuals and with the time and attention you can give your marriage to help your relationship grow closer. 

If I were talking with you I would want more information about this new stage you both are in and what may be contributing to your husband's attitude change over time. I would wonder is it work stress, grief over a loss or change, irritability over a personal goal not being met yet, or possibly physical health concerns. I think understanding the context would help my perspective and advice be more personal. So I will ask you, as you think about your concern does the context lend you perspective? Does that help you have an idea of what your husband is going through?  

Now with more perspective you can think about what is his role and what is your role in this issue. I would generally talk with people about individual responsibility for our own emotions and personal growth. It is healthy to encourage and support each other, while the primary responsibility is on the individual to manage themselves. 

Can you encourage him and also maintain some emotional boundaries and not allowing his negative mood to affect yours most of the time?  

A helpful option to work on boundaries would be to try individual therapy.  If we were working together in therapy, I would want to process this idea of emotional boundaries with you. Because I think it is a life skill that can help in other relationships as well. Being compassionate and also having your own emotions and thoughts about your daily life. 

Other options you have as you think through these things would be reading books about marriage, couples counseling, and listening to podcasts about marriage. There are great resources out there to help you grow as a couple!