How do I stop caring what others think and focus on myself?

Hi Matt, 

This is a fantastic question that many of us reflect on at times throughout life-- it's partly due to being such social creatures and also how we're wired for survival that we care about what others think and want to be liked. The more that other people like us, the more connected we feel within our sense of community. When we consider our self-esteem, we might say that considering what other people think may be a form of "other esteem" and not necessarily helpful considering it may have different aspects that are not part of our worldview.

How you described this relationship seems validating i.e. you both like each other, and the pacing might feel cautious/careful to you. Reassure yourself that she has already accepted you and this is part of social learning/building intimacy as you get to know each other. 

However, if this relationship looks like it's a threat, our body will physiologically react to the threat through our fight or flight response. Sometimes, we might also see what's called "freezing" or feeling stuck like a deer in headlights, or "fawning" or appealing/appeasing to the threat. It might look like not being our self and performing for them, and I suppose an extreme example would be "Stockholm Syndrome." 

Try to set boundaries to avoid overthinking - for example, if we notice that we're thinking about it, we can validate the thought and perhaps meet ourselves with curiosity and kindness and try to focus on the present moment and look for cues of what's going well.

You might also want to consider that you may have an anxious or avoidant attachment style when it comes to relationships, and much like other novel situations in life - we may need to work through the anxiety with some positive self-talk that may reflect on your positive traits, things that make you a good partner, and encourage yourself to look at the rewards of social interaction rather than the negative consequences or what social harm could be done. When you think about relationships in general - what thoughts or feelings do you associate with it? For example, do you think of relationships as hard or like there's a lot of fighting/bickering or do you see it more as a team/partnership where we collaborate and balance our personal self and our self in this committed relationship?

Validation is important. I just want to say - your body is trying to protect you from being rejected/emotionally hurt, so you're overthinking to try to understand the situation but then also may want to avoid the situation because it seems associated with a negative distress reaction. Try to relax your body through deep breathing and perhaps journal or engage in a daily gratitude practice may be helpful to process thoughts and feelings.