How do I stop letting my past relationship traumas from hurting my marriage?

Hello S,

Thank you for asking your question: "How do I stop letting my past relationship traumas from hurting my marriage?" It sounds like you are experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. I realize that you asked the question. However, I feel that I should be speaking to your husband about how to support you in your marriage. You and your spouse are not alone. The more adults talk openly about trauma they have suffered and how it affected them, the more their spouses will be able to understand how such an experience affects their relationship. Following such an experience, you may have difficulty trusting someone or figuring out who you can trust. Therefore, it is essential for your husband not to personalize your behavior to him because it is a consequence of your traumatic relationship. 

Your experience rendered you helpless, and it is hard to be intimate and safe. Developing a bond can prove challenging because the trauma gets in the way. Because you were the victim of abuse, you might have the following ideas: 

• People who are supposed to love and protect us cannot be trusted.
• Requests of a sexual nature almost always accompany shows of attention and affection.
• I feel a loss of control over my own body.
• The needs of others come before mine.
• I am in a dangerous situation when we are not totally in possession of a problem.
  

You can and will recover. The length of your healing process will depend on how you process your trauma, and this is why you should start working with someone as soon as possible to process it. There is no standard duration or treatment course as it is different for everyone. You have experienced several stages and others that you will experience. 

Being in your current relationship, you probably experience some of the trauma and feel triggered. It will be easier for you to overcome the crisis stage if you understand. Discussing the previous traumatic relationship and its impact on your functioning. It will be easier for you to overcome that stage if you know what is happening. To help you understand better, you can work with a psychotherapist specializing in couples to receive guidance on processing the previous relationship and reducing how it affects your marriage. 

Your husband will have to understand your struggle and the difficulties you are undoubtedly experiencing to process and express them. It is unfortunate, but your trauma impacts your ability to communicate your feelings and fears, and even though you may want to recover quickly, you can only do it one step at a time. It is essential for your spouse not to pressure you and help you build a safe space to heal. 

There are support groups for couples that specialize in healing. You will be able to construct a safe and sturdy relationship that is not established on the trauma but solid emotional ground.  

Your husband is your ally, and as such, he needs to trust and go through the stages of healing alongside you. He is probably hurt and angry that someone treated you so poorly, and it is okay for him to express that anger and that feeling of powerlessness. You can both share your feelings and connect on these feelings. 

Your anger towards your former partner is understandable, and it is essential to process that anger healthily. Anger is a natural feeling, but it can help you or hurt you, depending on how you express it. If the first stage is a crisis stage you mainly experienced before meeting your husband, the second stage is about healing, and I encourage you to work with your husband. You will both benefit from partnering in dealing with your trauma. 

The more you work on your communication with your husband and develop strong trust bonds, the easier it will be for you to heal. 

The third stage is the one stage where you gain knowledge and tools to go forward in your married life. I have already mentioned the need to reach out to a psychotherapist to support you during this process. You can not do it alone, or at least I don't recommend that you do it alone. I also think that it would be excellent for your husband and you to work on healing together. 

What are things that you should explore in therapy?

• I suggest that you discuss the impact of your trauma on your sexual life and intimacy. Discuss what feels safe and what scares you. Communicate what comes from your past and how it affects your current relationship with your husband. 
• Explore ways to overcome the trauma with your therapist while developing a healthy sex life. 
• Another point that I would recommend you explore is to list the limiting beliefs you might hold and how to expand your mindset. You have your trauma, and your husband might have the problems he carries within him. Your counseling space will be a perfect space to come together to learn authentic communication and feel safe. 

Again, I am sorry that you experienced a long traumatic relationship. Rather than let it hinder your happiness, learn from your experiences to establish healthy communication and rules in your current marriage. The more you empower your husband to be a partner and support you, the stronger your relationship will be. 

The trauma happened to you; however, the healing from it can be a process that you do together. The worst thing you could do is shut him out and keep him away from helping you because it would create a wedge between you two. 

Finally, I would love to work with you both. I am taking on new clients, and I hope you will choose me as your psychotherapist, but if you would like to work with someone else, there are over 20,000 providers on BetterHelp; I am confident that you will find someone who can help you both. 

Have a wonderful day.