How do I stop self destructing my life?

Hi Liv! 

Let me start by saying thanks for your question, but I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I hope my answer will help shed some light on things and give you some things to consider. 

In my experience, people tend to engage in self-destructive behaviors as a way to cope with stressors such as anxiety, low self-esteem, insecurities, shame, doubt, etc. This is something that can often be traced back to our early years of adolescence as we start to really grapple with these kinds of stressors in our lives. An example of this would be the stereotypical teen lashing out at their parents with displaced aggression because they are working through a lot. When we do not figure out better ways to cope with these stressors that we feel, we lash out by engaging in behavior that is not productive. This may happen because it allows a release of emotions, it allows us to avoid the root cause of our issues, and/or it can be easier to project our emotions or challenges on to someone else than it can be to own up to our own.

Ultimately, the way to deal with the self-destructive behaviors is to try to identify the root cause of their existence. For instance, "I take everything my partner says as a personal attack because I feel insecure that he does not love me" or "I naysay activities my partner does because I feel jealous that he has things to do and I am unfulfilled in that area" or "I am going to make poor choices that will affect my relationship because they give me momentary pleasure that I am lacking overall." These are just examples of identifying what is going on at the root of these behaviors. If you can be introspective and reflect on why you may be doing these things, then you can hopefully find better replacement behaviors that resolve the issues so you do not have to self-destruct. One simple way is to identify and then own up to the way you are feeling. "I feel jealous that you have things going on in your life and I do not" is a much healthier way of expressing the emotion than yelling at your partner or saying "You're not allowed to do those things." Then the challenge would be to find activities of your own that can bring you joy. I hope that example made sense! Essentially, it is important to be able to find the deeper meaning behind the behavior, identify and express emotions associated with it, and then work on better ways to resolve the problem. 

I hope you found this to be helpful. If you would like to dig deeper into some of these issues or do not feel fulfilled with this answer, I was recommend looking into talking with a mental health professional who can give you a more individualized answer and help you work through these challenges. I wish you all the best. Take care!

Cory Bedtke, LCSW