How do I tell my other gay roommate I have feelings for him without making things uncomfortable?

Hello!

Thank you for your question. What a difficult situation you are in! It sounds like you have been struggling with this for quite a while and I am glad that you are reaching out for some support. The difficult truth is that sharing your feelings for someone will change how things are between you, one way or another. We can't control how others think or feel about us and even the most carefully worded confession may create discomfort. Before you decide on what to do, there are a few things in your message that stood out to me.

Firstly, it doesn't sound like you think very highly of yourself. Twice here you express doubt that "someone like him" could be attracted to you. You mention that you have not had many relationships yourself and that most of your friends are straight. You say that your roommate has been out on some dates, but you don't say what you've been up to. I am wondering if the way you feel about yourself has been an obstacle to connecting with other people? Research has demonstrated that no matter the reason for the proximity, we tend to become emotionally closest with the people who are physically closest to us. It sounds like your roommate must be a wonderful person. It makes sense that sharing space together would foster intimacy and trust between you. I also wonder what might happen if you were to work on building your confidence in yourself and connecting with more people outside of your home. If you decide against changing things in your relationship with your roommate, that might be a direction to consider.

Second, you mention your roommate owns the home you share and you're aware that if things change between you, you might need to move out. Before sharing your feelings, it might be wise to have an alternative living situation in mind. Even if your roommate shares your feelings or is open to exploring something between you, he may feel uncomfortable about the power dynamic created when a couple doesn't equally share resources. If things didn't work out between you, would you have a difficult time leaving because you need that place to stay? Would he feel unable to end things because you depend on having that home? Of course, it may not come to that, but I think it may be helpful to consider.

Third, you're wondering about your word choice and about how direct to be. It sounds like you are scared to be too transparent with him, which is understandable, and at the same time, it can help to minimize confusion if we are clear about how we feel and what we want. I think the draft you have written covers both points that you want to make: that you value him as a friend, and that you have feelings for him. I also think there are a couple of things you might want to clarify.

1. You say you have been hesitant to say anything, so why have you decided to speak up? Why is it important to you to share this with him now?

2. What would you want to happen after you share your feelings? Would you want to have a conversation about it? If he doesn't feel the same, would you want him to pretend he never saw your message? Including this information will help both of you avoid confusion about next steps.

3. You say in this message that your roommate "probably" doesn't feel the same way about you. If you must include this line, I recommend swapping "probably" for "may." It is true that he may not feel the same. "Probably" sounds like an assumption you are making based on the way you feel about yourself. 

Finally, you mention that you would say this all in person, but you think you'd get "too emotional." It may be helpful to sit with this a bit longer to identify exactly what it is you want to avoid by delivering this news in writing. When confessing feelings for someone, it makes sense that your emotions would be strong! Are you worried that you would become tearful? Are you scared to witness his reaction? Are you anticipating you'd forget everything you want to say? A couple more questions to ask yourself: Which method of communication would help you feel best about yourself afterwards? What method of communication does your roommate prefer? It may be that writing really is the best way, but I think it helps to be clear.

Thank you again for your question. It takes a lot of courage to wrestle with your feelings this way. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you very good luck!

Warmly,

Kate