Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do you break the cycle of always being the close platonic girl friend to being the girlfriend?

How do you break the cycle of always being the close platonic girl friend to being the girlfriend?

I seem to always finding myself meeting a great guy who’s everything a girl could ask for and always being stuck in that friend-zone.. Caring, sweet, respectful, charming, and makes you laugh for hours. You’ve literally become each other’s best friend, your the one that each other calls at 130AM because you can’t sleep and want a friend to talk too. You do just about everything together. You’ve even had a conversation about how you have undeniable chemistry and the deep understanding in each other that you want in a partner. You’ve even talked about when the situation that at the moment doesn’t allow you a personal relationship because there is a professional relationship that has to finalize first possibly seeing where things go when said professional relationship is terminated. Now that it is and a personal one is allowed you’ve suddenly become the BFF but the talk about a relationship has come to a screeching halt. You’ve already been on this emotional roller coaster ride long enough. When you try to talk to him about it he shuts down and stonewalls you. That deeply hurts your feelings and next thing you know you’re both fighting with each other and you tell him you can’t do this train ride anymore. A few hours later a talk and sorrys are said.. Then things pick up like they were.. You know both would be hurt if the other meet someone else.. You both know you really don’t want anyone else.. You just go together.. I know that I truly love him inside and out, wholeheartedly and unconditionally, I accept him for who all of he is and there is no one else I could even imagine wanting by my side.

Part of the problem is the social backgrounds we come from. He comes from very privileged life and I’ve been on my own since thirteen and I’m raising two kids on my own. He very much cares about his reputation and I don’t care what people think. I wasn’t born to fit in, I was born to stand out. I’m as real as they come and authentic but I only get him authentically during our “us” time. I know for a fact that the person he is during our “us” time is his true authentic self and no one gets that person except for me…

But I feel like I’ll always be at arms length, I’ll be that “fill-in” until someone else comes around and then its like I don’t exist and they walk out of my life like I meant nothing at all.. It’s happened before and my heart was shattered. It was the first time I felt heart break and understood unconditional love.. It was only a few years ago. I wasn't allowed to feel emotions as a child so I’ve struggled to learn them as an adult; especially after being in a relationship with a narcissist. I’ve come a long way, I know I’m beautifully broken, and I accept my flaws.. I’m imperfectly perfect and most importantly I am me, after all everyone is already taken. I don’t want to fit in when I was born to just be me..

How do you stop always being the BFF to seeing what you two really have is a once in a lifetime bond that doesn’t come around often, and being the partner he has always dreamed of?
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Asked by FW
Relationships
Dating
Answered
05/06/2022

Hi, thank you so much for filling out the question and the follow up information. Based on the information you provided, I can understand why you are feeling a specific way.

The thing that first came to mind after reading your details was how it is important to remember that we are never in control of other peoples feelings. I know you already know this from what you have written out, but it's important to keep in mind, because it might not necessarily be possible to move from the friend zone or the platonic best friend to a romantic relationship. That being said, the most important thing is communication, and deciding how straightforward and assertive you can be is imperative to having a positive friendship or romantic relationship. It sounds like you're not being passive aggressive or anything of the sort, so I'm glad that you are being direct with your feelings.

I think being direct with your feelings can be difficult, especially based on what you wrote about being on your own since you were 13 and not necessarily knowing how to respond to other people's emotions. That is something that can be very tricky, and it also involves identifying your own emotions. Something that can help with identifying your own emotions is journaling, meditation, or possibly even guided imagery. If you were unfamiliar with any of those, let me know and that something we could talk about more if you decide to begin therapy.

it also kind of stood out to me that it is apparent that you and the person you were interested in came from different backgrounds. This is very common, and can be overcome with positive and consistent communication like I was talking about earlier.

I was glad to hear you say that you are beautifully broken, I think that's a perfect way of describing someone who has been through a lot, but is still persevering. I also think it's important to know that you identified that you don't want to fit in just to be like everybody else. My advice for the situation personally, is don't change who you are to become different in this person's eyes that you were interested in. For the long run, it would not work out anyway because you would not be being true to your authentic self.

(LISW, LCSW)