How do you get through the anxiety of feeling lost?

First of all, thank you for reaching out and asking this question. It takes courage and strength to reach out and ask for assistance when you are going through something difficult and I am glad to see that you asked this question to us. I am sorry to hear about the distance happening between you and your boyfriend after experiencing some life changes. Learning how to balance your needs with those of others is not easy to do but hopefully I can help assist you in this regard.

The degree to which you find this balance is one factor in creating a sustainably happy life. Giving unconditionally, as a life strategy, may sound noble, but it can be counterproductive as over time it can wear down your mental and physical health. If your mental and physical health is not taken care of, it becomes very difficult to take care of or be there for someone else, even if you care about them so deeply. On the other hand, thinking only of your own needs can be seen as selfish and is it not conducive to a healthy partnership or friendship. Figuring out how to maintain equality between these seemingly paradoxical poles takes time and practice.

A relationship requires you to be autonomous yet also part of a partnership, a couple. A healthy relationship requires each person to have activities, interests and friendships outside of the relationship to make for an overall well rounded person. Meanwhile, it also requires spending enough time with your partner to grow interests together as a couple so that you can develop shared interests.

If you spend too much time trying to be independent, your relationship can grow distant. However, if you spend too much energy focusing on being a couple, it is easy to become dependent or needy. There may be different times in your partnership where you find you are likely to be more independent than others. It is important to keep track of this delicate balancing act and make adjustments when necessary.

You mentioned in your question that sometimes all of the problems of your partner become yours. There will be times throughout a relationship where you will need to give in or set aside your needs.  This means you would work on meeting your boyfriend’s needs while temporarily setting aside what you had wanted. However, how do you do this without being resentful or neglecting your needs entirely? This can feel like an impossible task and I will say it is not easy to do.

How do you manage to put your own desires to the side while still being able to be there for your partner? One of the first steps is not ignore your feelings or pretend you do not feel angry. Instead, take notice of when you are giving in. This is not saying that you should keep a tab of all the times you give in or help, but rather either write down in your journal or take a mental note of when you feel like you are not getting your needs met. What is happening at this time? What is your boyfriend doing or not doing? Asking these questions helps you get closer to the root causes of a situation so you can address it. For example, if you notice that you are giving in more and caring for your boyfriend after he has had a long day at work or he has not gotten enough sleep or rest, you can work with him on how he can better take care of his mental and physical needs. If he starts to assist himself in those areas, then likely there will be less times of stress or reliance upon you. If you find that you are not getting your needs met regularly, you likely will grow resentful. A relationship requires you to try and meet your own needs at times and to work with your spouse when you are feeling angry or upset.

Another piece to this too that may help you are with regards to boundary setting. Healthy relationships are formed when people respect each other’s boundaries. Boundaries are what help people in so many areas of life be respectful to others and to us. Boundaries in relationships refer to the standard we want people to treat us. There are different types of boundaries, including but not limited to: physical boundaries, behavioral boundaries, emotional boundaries, financial boundaries, sexual boundaries, and religious boundaries. Identifying each of these boundaries can help you understand which ones are relevant to your relationship.  

The first step in setting boundaries that will maintain your peace of mind is to first identify what your boundaries are. You can do this by first tuning into your emotions. Look back at times you felt that someone used you, or hurt your feelings, or in the case with your boyfriend you gave too much of yourself. Then look at how it made you feel and why you felt that way. You can also know your boundaries by asking the people closest to you such as your friends or family.

Once you have identified your boundaries, it is essential to communicate openly with your boyfriend or anyone else that you are setting this boundary with. Take the time to discuss what you are comfortable and not comfortable with. This will ensure that you and your partner come to an understanding of your expectations. This also pertains to agreeing to respect your partner’s boundaries as well. Listen and discuss your partners boundaries, be open to sharing what yours are too. Keep the lines of communication open for discussion on what the other needs, and be will to listen to what he is saying. Then, to ensure that your boundaries are respected is only to make exceptions when necessary. Constantly making exceptions will make your partner think they can cross your boundaries with no worries. This could potentially end up disrupting the balance of your relationship. 

What I have talked about above is not easy, but beneficial to a healthy and respectful relationship. I hope you find peace in your relationship and that it gets better!