How do you rekindle your marriage after 9 years of marriage & kids?

Thank you for taking the time to post this question. Kids and years together can change the dynamic of a partnership so quickly! You refer to it like being co-workers with your partner and you are spot on! I remember joking with my partner that we had become administrative assistants for our infant when he was born. Thankfully, it is possible to break out of that role and back into the passion and intimacy that feels so lost.  

When we get bogged down in the day-to-day minutia of our lives [jobs, finances, kids, food planning, etc.] it can be easy to lose touch with the person that you fell in love with and with yourself. Even though I am going to be directly answering your question regarding rekindling things with your partner, please parallel that with the idea that you need to also rekindle your connection with yourself. It is very common for parents to lose their individual sense of identity just as much as their sense of partnership when kids come into the picture.

So, let’s get to it!

There are some great clinicians out there [John Gottman and Esther Perel specifically] who have done a lot of amazing work on this issue.

Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity is an exploration of just this topic- keeping the passion in a relationship alive despite all the domestic life things we have going on. She also has a few podcasts and a card game for couples you can purchase.

John Gottman and the Gottman Institute have an app called “Card Decks” that can help to prompt discussion and play with your partner [And it’s FREE!]. All of these can be great resources for you!

Here are some actionable items that can be a great starting point for rekindling. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The 6 Second Kiss

How many times a day do you and your partner transition between spaces or roles and give each other a peck on the cheek or lips in passing? Gottman suggests that one easy way to rekindle the intimate connection is through a six second kiss. Here’s what you do:

Instead of just doing the peck on the lips and leave, both of you should be intentional about holding the kiss for at least six seconds. It will likely feel awkward at first and perhaps seem like the longest six seconds ever, but many couples report that by taking just this step they were able to start rebuilding their intimacy almost exponentially.

Schedule Date Nights and Check-Ins

When you are busy managing the schedule of a tiny dictator…ahem…child…it’s easy to lose sight of your own schedule. Suddenly those date nights are the first things to go because they don’t seem nearly as important as the twenty bajillion other things you have going on.

Schedule a night a week, even if it’s just a few hours between your bed time and when the child goes to sleep, to have a date night with your partner. This may be a date night in your own house, but the goal is to be intentional about doing something that you both enjoy that brings you together. It may be playing video games together, taking a long shower together, sitting on the porch cuddling and talking. Whatever you do, the goal is to be consistent with your date nights but also to make sure that the focus is on your relationship, not on phones or anything else. Just each other.

If you can save up for childcare, then you can plan outings. I have found that a lot of churches and local children’s programs have a parent’s night out program where they will take care of your children while you go do something for a few hours and the cost is quite inexpensive.

It can also be helpful to have a weekly check-in for your relationship. The check-in and the date night can happen at the same time too. A check-in can be whatever you both agree it needs to be, but the basics would be that you check in to see how you feel you have done as a partnership this past week. Where were areas you guys did really well and where are some areas that might need some work? You can also review the schedule for the coming week to make sure that you guys are on the same page as to events and priorities.

Permission to Escape

This section really is about being intentional about allowing your partner to have their own time away from the family. One partner may find they feel more refreshed after a night away in a hotel for a night. The other partner might feel rejuvenated by a night out with their friends. Figure out what you both need and start scheduling those times. Also be prepared to do them ad hoc. You may need to ask for one or suggest that your partner take one. Whichever it is, the key is to communicate openly what your needs are so you can partner around how to get them met.

I sincerely hope this was helpful. The big take-away here is to be intentional in your relationship vs. getting lost in the routines of the day.