How do you work on communicating with your wife when it feels like you’re just roommates?

Hello - I think that this is a great question. It shows that you are wanting more out of your marriage. Kudos to you for reaching out and seeking advice for how to improve your marriage.

Obviously, there are many pieces of information that I do not have that would be helpful for me to know in order to best help you. Some of the things I would like to know are how long you've been married, if this is the first marriage for each of you, how old you are, how long you knew each other before getting married, what is the relationship history for each of you, if there are children in the picture, are there any addiction issues, financial stressors, family interference/bad boundaries, trauma history for either of you, and so on.

So my answer is going to have to be a bit more on the generic side; that is, I will describe things that you can do to improve your marriage regardless of what the answers to those questions might be.

My advice is based on the well-researched work of Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert who has done a ton of work on observing couples in what he calls the "love lab". He'll have them stay in a place where they know they're being recorded (with the exceptions of the bedroom and bathroom). He has compiled his research based on those recordings and his findings. One of his books that helps couples is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In this book, he talks about each of the seven principles and then has exercises that the couple can do on their own. So reading the book and using the exercises would be a great way to start working on the marriage at home. 

He tells us that the main foundation upon which to build a marriage is what he calls fondness and admiration. So the work is going to be around rebuilding the fondness and admiration you had for each other that led you to get married in the first place. Building on that, he utilizes what he calls Love Maps. These are the exercises that strengthen that foundation and keep you engaged with each other. They are a mix of fun things and serious things. Another idea is called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four things are what causes marriages to break down. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down, being uncommunicative). He talks about the harsh start-up, which is how you bring up an issue or complaint. If it involves criticism, the other person is going to be defensive. Then nothing gets resolved. So I have given you a smattering of the types of things that couples can learn about and put into practice.

If your wife refuses to work on things with you, it could still be something you learn without her and then try to apply it to your marriage. You might be surprised to find out how effective it can be, even when it starts out being one-sided. That leads to another question: how motivated are you to try things, even if she seems unwilling to try them with you? If you are motivated to try, then that would be something you can do later, in evaluating whether this is going to work out or not. What I mean by that is, if you do everything you can to try to make this marriage work, and she does not respond or join you in it, that would be fodder for helping you decide/evaluate where this is going.

Another thing to think about is how you have been trying to get her engaged in the relationship. I am curious to know how you talk about this with her.

I hope this answer will give you some things to think about. If your wife is willing, I would suggest that you seek out marriage counseling. It is always the most helpful if both of you are in the room. If she is not, you would still benefit from having a therapist help you navigate through this and give you input and support, as well as accountability (is there anything you might be doing to drive her away, for example?).

Good luck!