How I can heal in order to know what I want in my life?

Hi Liz,

Thank you for a great question, and something that many people may wrestle with at some point in their life. It can be very confusing when we have committed to someone or something, and then to be presented with a situation that makes us question ourselves, our decisions and others.

It is of note that you recognized that you may lack self-love. I believe this insight you've had, may be the key to part of your problem. It does indeed make it difficult to love someone else if we haven't already mastered loving ourselves. 

While it may seem paradoxical, we have more to give another when our cup is already full. There are many resources out there to learn ways to learn how to love ourselves, and I encourage you to seek out those resources (e.g. podcasts, books, therapy, etc.) so that you can bolster your ability to know what it feels like to love yourself.

With self-love, also comes self-respect. So it is hard to respect others (and our commitments to them) if our self-respect is on shaky ground - which it will be to some degree, without that self-love. Working on ways to respect ourselves, will by default help us to exercise respect for those people and things in our lives that we care about.

In relationships, it seems to be in many cases, that the level of respect and love we are able to show another is a reflection of the level of respect and love we are able to have for ourselves.

Your question about how you can love someone else while already committed to someone else...that love may be limited. It is hard for another to love us without our self-love, as mentioned. But when committed, attention is divided.

And many people would question, "is it really love if another person tampers with another's heart and integrity while they're already in a relationship?" 

Respecting the timing of things is also key, that if something is meant to be, the timing will work out...to trust that what is meant to be will become clear without our needing to compromise our values. 

Values ties into self-love and self-respect, as well - that when we stand strong in our values and standards, and abide by our good principles, nobody should get hurt in the process. Disappointments are inevitable as life takes us down different paths, and sometimes hard decisions are necessary. 

If there is a lack of love as you indicated, the best place to start is within yourself, and to learn how to show yourself the kind of love and respect that you deserve, first and foremost. That comes from within, not from other people or from our emotions, but from our principles and strengths.

It is a tough situation, Liz, but I'm confident that you will utilize both your inner and external resources to find your way in this situation. Talk to others, learn more about self-love and self-respect, try therapy if you're inclined, and see what focusing on yourself for a bit might bring.

Thank you, Liz, and I wish you the very best of luck in your journey!

~~Barbara