Ask a therapist > Relationships > How to get over relationship related anxiety, e.g. a feeling that your partner wants to break up?

How to get over relationship related anxiety, e.g. a feeling that your partner wants to break up?

I am in a relationship for 2 years. Overall, it has been really great, but a couple of times my parter was expressing doubts about our future. For example, he was saying he is not ready to marry, feels pressure from me, feels like i limit him. We have talked through it, i've explained that he is free to take his own pace and I will support him no matter what. It seems like we understood each other, and he said that he was in a bad mood and overreacted. Our relationship is still the same: we travel together, live together, make plans. However, this experience has been harsh on me. Every time I don't get immediate response via text or call, or don't get enough verbal and physical confirmation of love, I start getting anxious. I have a paranoid thought: "what if he is re-thinking everything again and will decide to break up with me?" I live with this thought like a ticking bomb. When he is being extraordinary attentive to me, I feel good. But if he is not responding for as little as 20 minutes I get upset and anxious. I'd love to stop feeling that, because I don't want to blame him for my anxiety every time. But I am also worried that these things are actually red flags. I really value this relationship and I'd love to make it work, but I am not capable of fixing it myself.
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Asked by Jessica
Relationships
Loneliness
Attachment
Rejection
Answered
06/12/2022

Hi there- 

First, I am sorry to hear of the challenges in your relationship. You are not alone though! We all bring our own baggage to relationships and it is up to us, as the carrier of the baggage to sort through it and make sense of it so we can put it away nicely and handle it as neatly and delicately as possible when it falls out of the closet...otherwise it is likely to fall right in the path of our loved ones and trip them up!

You have stated that you are trying to be respectful and empathetic to his pace, but what about your experience? The anxious thoughts are coming from somewhere/something...do you know where or what? What baggage are you leaving in the pathway? Couples experiencing challenges are wise to seek out support together, but also individually. You cannot change him, but you can change you. In working through your own issues, you may find that he starts to get motivated to do his own work and "grow" with you...or you might find that he stays the same and you have outgrown him. Either way, as the saying goes, "if you want something to change, then something has to change". That means one one of you has to be the change agent in your relationship; or, the catalyst for change. Since you are the one asking the question, it seems it is on you, for now. 

I recommend starting some individual therapy to work through your anxious thoughts. I also recommend asking for his support while you work through these things and see if you can come up with a compromise regarding communication that satisfies your need to hear from him, but also gives him the space he needs and deserves. Something like "can we do a lunch time check in?" If he is responsive and supportive, that is a good sign. If he is not, bring that information to your first session. You will need his support while you start this work, so if he is unsupportive out of the gate in compromising, I would call that a red flag. As you have said, you cannot fix this by yourself! He needs to show minimal initiative to know you are both wanting things to improve. 

Best of luck to you both. I hope this is helpful.

Michaela