How to open up to dating again after you have been hurt by someone? Age old question, I know.

Thank you for submitting your question. And I am sorry that you are encountering this struggle in your life right now.

It is entirely normal and perfectly human to feel these feelings. It is normal to want to avoid heartbreak. It is common to nearly everyone to fear and want to avoid loss, rejections, abandonment, and the devastation that can come when our hopes are dashed following the ending of a relationship which once seemed so promising.

Each time we encounter the ending of a relationship it truly can feel like a piece of us is chipped away and there remains a permanent crack. The endings hurt and we don’t want to keep doing something which might lead to more hurt. It seems logical.

Honestly, a breakup is a real stressor. It will impact you emotionally, mentally, and physically. It can bring grief. It can bring actual physical pain. Your brain and body will feel it – and will need time to adjust. You mention it’s been six months. Healing isn’t on a timeline. If you are not ready to try again yet, that’s okay. A lifetime is a long time, so six months is really just a short blip. If it is too soon for you then it’s too soon. Some people need longer breaks. Be patient and compassionate towards yourself. Don’t rush your healing.

Here is the good news worth focusing on and reminding yourself of: You have experienced loss, and you are still here. You have survived. You have endured. And you have learned a lot through it all – valuable lessons that will guide and benefit you moving forward.

It’s only natural that, following a hurtful situation, we want to do everything we can to avoid it happening again. It is a natural instinct of self-preservation. But you cannot allow that instinct to keep you stuck in place and keep you from living life to the absolute fullest. Your alternative, what seems sensible in this moment, is to avoid any relationship ever again. In some part of your brain it makes sense. You will avoid the potential pain should that relationship fail. But are you really avoiding pain? As humans, we crave and thrive on connection and intimacy. You could certainly choose to live in isolation - but it seems you would be doing so not because it’s the choice you’re happily making for yourself, rather it’s a choice based in fear. It seems you would just be picking a different pain. You might be missing the pain of a potential breakup. Yet, you’re missing the opportunity for connection and love. The self-preservation becomes an obstacle, a barrier – a new sort of prison you’ve built for and around yourself. Is that going to be the path towards happiness?

Avoiding life because of fear does not free you from pain. Living in fear is itself pain.

Consider this: a full life is one which comes with many different experiences. Some are pleasant. Some are unpleasant. Things aren’t always going to go your way. That’s okay. That is called being a human.

One thing you can do is reflect on these relationships and see what lessons you might take away from them. What traits or characteristics did those people possess? Do you want more or less of those things? Perhaps in reflection your preferences will change. You might find you want to prioritize things in a different way. Maybe you contributed to the breakup in some way through your thoughts or behaviors – and you can learn something from that. Maybe you ignored a red flag or settled for something you shouldn’t have. Even if you had no role at all, you still get to do one important thing – you can choose to move on.

All of the past encounters can actually help you be more successful in future. You have all these experiences to learn from. Let them help you guide you.

The pain of a breakup is real. And every person no matter how rich or beautiful or intelligent goes through it at some point in their life. But think about the future. Focus on the positive possibilities. How wonderful might it be when you find the right relationship? It’s possible you will value that love even more after knowing the alternative. And it’s possible you have become more expert at what doesn’t work in relationship – so you’ll avoid repeating all that. Focus on what could be instead of what happened in the past. You cannot ever change what is already done. But the future? That’s wide open and it’s full of possibility and potential. Turn your eyes towards that. When you’re ready to.

Taking a risk for love can certainly feel scary. But living a life wherein you’ve shut yourself off from love isn’t necessarily such a happy alternative.

Keep taking care of yourself. It sounds like it is a good time to work on your own personal growth and development. And up your self-care efforts. It might also help to work with a therapist to process the grief and fears you are experiencing. A therapist, too, can help you begin to move forward and plan out how to work towards a successful future relationship.