How to talk with my boyfriend if we are not on good terms?

Hi Alitah! 

Thanks for reaching out for help! It's great that you are looking for a way to communicate in a healthy way. 

The first part of healthy communication is understanding your own perspective and your own side of things and then sticking to those perspectives in a respectful way. Changing your perspective is okay too and that is another important thing to keep in mind. Listen to understand where your boyfriend is coming from, pause for a minute if necessary to process what he just said, and then respond. 

In arguments, it is so common to start talking and yelling over each other, and pretty soon nothing is heard or understood, except the insults or hurtful things. 

Communicate with "I statements". Don't blame him and understand that these are not his problems or your problems, they are your problems and things that you need to solve as a team. These are not things that you can fix on your own and not things that you can fix on your own. Adopt the perspective of you and him being on a team to fix the issues. You are not against each other. It sounds like you both want the same thing, a healthy and successful relationship. Remember that this is the goal.

Ask yourself why you want this relationship to work and what you want out of it. Keep those things in mind as you discuss the issues you are working on. Make sure you are open and honest with each other. That is most important. You both have to know how the other one truly feels. Lying or avoiding the truth might seem appealing in the moment but in the long run, it will only make your issues worse. 

Relay these things to him before you have a conversation so that you are both on the same page. Remember, you are a team and you can't fix this without him knowing your plan and sticking with it. Make a list of rules before you have a discussion, what can you tolerate and what won't you? For example, you might say no name calling as a rule, or include the skills I have outlined above as rules. If one of you breaks the rules, respectfully remind the other that it is important to follow them. Take breaks in the conversation if needed. It's okay to tell your boyfriend that you need 5 minutes to calm down and process what is going on before you can continue the conversation. 

I hope this is helpful to you! Good luck!