I can’t get over my cheating ex and I keep going back to him, please help!

Hi Milly,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through in your relationship.  It sounds like you are so confused about what to do and you may be worried about finally ending this relationship even though it sounds you know this would be best for you. There is no doubt about it - breakups can be seriously tough, no matter what the reason is but to deal with someone cheating on you can only add to the hurt.

You need to know that it takes time to get over your breakup.  You may find yourself missing your ex, wishing you were with them, wondering what they’re doing or who they’re with and so on even after your friends have been telling you not to think about them anymore.

Hope is important in life. We all need hope to cope.  Some women believe that whatever they’re facing in their relationship can change.  So maybe you believe that your boyfriend will change or as you say – if you take him back maybe it will be better this time and then your confidence will come back for you.  Some people call this ‘fake fantasy’ and maybe your boyfriend is making you promises – some people call this ‘future fake’.

Another reason some women stay in toxic relationships is that they have invested so much time, energy, and resources in the relationship, and they don’t want to start investing in another relationship all over again. So maybe you are thinking that you have invested 8 months already and even though you have already endured being treated poorly you just can face starting the dating game all over again.

Perhaps you have a real fear of being single or alone and you are asking yourself “What if I don’t find someone else?”   So, for some people state this as their reason why they stay with men who don’t treat them badly.

Some women are concerned about societal disapproval, and this can stop them from making decisions that are in their best interest.  Society isn’t always fair to women and too often women judged by their relationship status.

Other women stay in bad relationships because they struggle with a low self-esteem. They just believe they don’t deserve better.   Some people have convinced themselves that no other man would want them.

But the opposite is true, no matter who you are and whatever that has happened to do deserve to be in a happy and healthy loving relationship.

Nobody wants to go through that and suffer for long periods of time.  It is good to know that it doesn’t actually have to be like this. You don’t have to torture yourself for months and months - there will be an end to this.

It sounds like you are having a difficult time getting over the person who broke up with you, there are some things that can help you do that more easily.

How to deal with your breakup

I will share some tips and strategies to help you learn how to move on from your ex and get over a breakup quickly. 

1. Let Go of Hope: When you are trying to get over someone who has broken up with you, there is a surefire way to get started. This way may seem strange at first, but it is proven to work. The way to get rid of hope is to compare the ended relationship to the death of a loved one. If you continue to hope, then you are keeping alive the idea that the relationship can be saved, when this is not the case. Accept the fact that it is over, and then stop hoping that there will be a reconciliation.
2. Stop Dreaming: By daydreaming about the good times in the relationship, and going over the times in your mind repeatedly, you are keeping that hope alive. One of the ways that this daydreaming keeps occurring is when you keep playing songs that remind you of your ex, or when you keep watching movies that you enjoyed watching together. If a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex, then turn the station. The same goes with the movies. Exercise is something that you can do instead, and it will help you feel better! This will help when you start dating again and can be very empowering for you and confidence building!
3. Get Over the Idea that they are your soulmate: One of the biggest myths we tell ourselves about love is that there is only one soulmate for each person. The truth is, you may have many, many soulmates in your life - this is a good experience to prepare you for the right relationship in your future. The experience of multiple relationships, including those with soulmates, is a great practice and it means that when you finally do settle down and get through this difficult time you will know what mistakes to avoid and what things actually can work to strengthen a healthy relationship in your future.
4. Give Yourself Time to Grieve: Accept that you are going to feel sad because of your breakup, and a vital step in the process just as in the death of a loved one is the grieving process. Cry, shout, and do whatever you need to let the grief out. Let your emotions out so that they do not come out in unhealthy ways later on for you.
5. Reach out to Your Trusted Friends: Your trusted and real friends will stick by you and get through this difficult time. It is best not to attempt to avoid them. Reach out to see if they will come and spend time with you and offer a shoulder to cry on. Enjoy any treats and drinks they may bring you, and vent to them as needed – I am sure you would do it for them if they were in the same position. They will offer opportunities to talk, comfort, and movies that will make you laugh. Laughing is extremely therapeutic following a good old cry.
6. Remove all of those reminders: Make sure that your ex collects all of their items that they have at your place. A friend can be there when they do this if you need the support. This is a time to get rid of all of your mementos such as pictures, music or gifts that they may have given you. Some people like to create a ritual or create a ceremony such as building a big bonfire where you can burn all of these items. This can be a great way for releasing this hurt and memories associated with these objects. When they are gone, then there is even less chance for the reminders of the relationship and dwelling on daydreams about your ex.
7. Be cautious about jumping into a new relationship too fast: Getting back into the dating scene may be detrimental to your own well-being, and it may also sabotage any chance of a decent relationship forming from your dates. Jumping straight into a rebound relationship can mean that you are trying to distract yourself with somebody new, somebody to distract you from you hurt. This is not always fair to you or to them. This is perhaps not your best way to get over a breakup quickly.
8. Stay away from your ex: If possible, make sure to avoid contact or running into your ex for a while. This can be made easier by hanging out with your friends and making sure that they help you stay away from places where your ex may be. This is something that is crucial at this time; you are vulnerable and seeing them will only trigger the urge to daydream about what could have been, and you may even feel the need to try to talk with them. This is something to avoid at all costs.

Try these tips to get yourself in a stronger place, you won’t be wasting valuable time by being miserable any longer than is needed or healthy. The sooner you make sure to follow these tips and work through the process, the sooner you can get back to living your life to the fullest. These tips can bring you closer to a place where you are ready to hit the dating scene once again.

Be patient with yourself and don’t go rushing into things.  By following these tips, it can help the breakup process go more quickly and a lot smoother. If you are still struggling with getting over this relationship, consider reaching out for professional support from licensed therapist.  Someone who can support and guide you through this difficult time.

I wish you much luck with your next step.

Best Wishes, 

Gaynor