I don't know how to be in a relationship anymore.

When we are on a relationship with someone, we may get to the point where we spend a lot of time together. When we are around someone for a great amount of time, we are bound to discover things that we like about that person and things that we don't like. And this is completely valid and understandable. It is likely to happen when we live with and/or spend lots of time with that partner. As a matter of fact, disagreements between couples are actually normal and healthy as it allows for expressing different perspectives to each other. It's truly about how we go about this interaction that makes all the difference. So the key is how we communicate these frustrations with our partner.

For instance, if a partner doesn't clean up after eating a meal together. This may trigger a reaction from us. Perhaps it's a natural chore that we hope people just know to complete. But the reality is that even though it may be an expectation for us, it may not be for them. Sometimes people are used to having someone else clean after them. Some people don't mind clutter or dishes building up. So by saying something to our partner, we are able to express how we feel to our partner. Otherwise, we make the assumption that they should know how we feel. This doesn't give them the chance to really try to listen to what you have to say.

So how can we let our partner know that cleaning up after themselves is important to us? Well we can choose the route to blame them for not picking up after themselves. Many times, we get angry and frustrated with others as we internalize that what they did to us was to hurt us intentionally. Thus, we may call them names or yell at them for not cleaning up after themselves. Thus, it can heighten the argument as people can get defensive when we blame them for the issue. Many times if we take a step back to speak to loved ones about the issue, we realize that they did not intend to hurt us. And this can help us see the issue clearer, especially if the person did not mean to hurt us. So instead, saying something like, "I clean up my space after I eat for the courtesy of keeping our space at home clean. It makes me feel appreciated and happy when the space around me is clean. I am wondering if you can help me out with that too?" This way, we can focus on using I Statements and describing how we feel and how having a team effort system can help you both feel appreciated.

Expressing anger is a very normal and valid feeling. It's truly about how we express our anger. For instance, identifying anger, perhaps asking for space to process, and then speaking to the person about how we feel is a healthy way to feel and express anger. What we often want to do when we feel angry is deal with it right away in the heat of the moment. But we have to ask ourselves, how helpful is it to actually have a conversation with someone if we are feeling very intense emotions. And the answer is that it isn't usually helpful as it tends to result in more conflict. So more the reason that we practice asking for space. And asking for space doesn't mean that it's an exit window to avoid talking about it; but actual space to process how we feel and then come back and communicate it effectively to our partner.

Sometimes, we may express anger is unhealthy ways as it may be the way it was modeled to us. For instance, yelling is often the result of feeling misunderstood or unheard. If we feel like in our past, we haven't always felt heard, we may raise our voices to make sure that it doesn't happen again. And other times the anger we express may be unconscious. So more the reason that catching ourselves in moments where we are experiencing anger can help us change how we express it. And by doing so, we can decrease the amount of arguments that we experience.

Self-sabotaging often comes from a place where we may not feel like we deserve to be in a healthy and stable relationship. And if we don't feel like we deserve this, we may do things unconsciously to destroy it. This way, if things don't work out, it won't be taken from us. Instead, we can say that we didn't want it in the first place and that's the reason why we choose to end it. But it is really important for us to think about if we are worthy of a healthy relationship. And if so, it may feel uncomfortable to embrace one (especially if we haven't had the opportunity to experience it before). But allowing ourselves to enjoy it, even if it may not feel very comfortable, can make all the difference for us.

Changing how we communicate takes some time. And before you get it down correctly, it may take some time and you will make mistakes. And that is okay, but it is important that your partner is aware of the changes that you want to make and can help you identify times when you may need some space. There are many self-help books and articles on how to express healthy communication to others, including our partners.

If you feel stuck or like you would like more support, you may want to consider talking to a counselor, religious leader, community leader, or mental health therapist to help you get a better grasp on this issue.

Best of luck to you on your journey with everything.