I feel like I’m drowning after dealing with a breakup of 4 years

Being in a relationship with someone for four years is a long time. It can be difficult to think of the end of a relationship especially when we have invested a great amount of time into the relationship. During this time, we develop feelings and feel comfort in being with the same person for this amount of time So I can imagine hearing that your partner wanted to end things must have been really intense. And learning to let go isn't always the easiest thing to do as we may not have wanted to relationship to end.

There are different reasons that may cause a relationship to end. From infidelity, to trust issues, growing apart, or family issues can interfere with a relationship; sometimes these things can lead to the end of a relationship. We all have different limits and boundaries so why a relationship ends will vary from couple to couple. Sometimes people are tired of working through the same issues and sometimes people don't have the best problem solving skills, which can led them to want to end the relationship.

Sometimes couples are willing to work through these difficult issues through communication or even couples counseling. It truly depends on both parties and their willingness to work through the issues. Everyone has different boundaries or limits as to what we are willing to do versus what we are not. I am not sure what caused your partner to reach her limit, but it sounds like she isn't willing to work on the relationship anymore. How do you feel about that? I can imagine it can be quite tough to hear that your partner has given up on working on the relationship while you want to make the relationship work. Unfortunately, when both parties are not being on the same page of where the relationship stands, can lead to wanting to end it.

And processing that our partner does not want to make the relationship work is a process. It can be a big loss for some of us especially if it wasn't what we had envisioned for ourselves. Acknowledging that this is a big loss is a part of grieving. When we experience a big loss, we may have a variety of emotions in in the stages of grief, which includes acceptance, denial, sadness, anger, and bargaining. And all of these stages are very normal for one to experience after a big loss, which includes a break-up. And these feelings can come and go as we process such a big loss. When we break-up with someone, we no longer have access to that person. And that can be a big adjustment as we may be so used to being around that person. It can even be difficult to envision yourself without the person in your life. So processing all of these thoughts and feelings is a process. Just reminding yourself that this is normal and part of the healing process as we grieve.

The other thing that may be difficult for many of us to accept is that we don't have control over what other people do. We may really mean well and want to try to make things work, but that can only go so far if the other person is not willing to make it work. And coming to terms with that can take some time. One thing that can help us move through it is asking ourselves: have I done everything that I can to make this relationship work? And if the answer is yes, the rest is on the other person. We cannot do things for the other person or force something to be in a relationship if they aren't willing to do work through issues in the relationship. And accepting that we don't have control over others, which includes their feelings, their thoughts, and their actions. Coming to terms with this may not happen right away, but processing and accepting it can be quite liberating and relieving. Once we can come to terms with it, it can allow us to let go of unnecessary stress that we may not need to carry. Many times, we do worry about other people and what they do. But in reality, this is not our responsibility to worry about it especially if we don't have any control over it anyway.

There are a lot of self-help books and worksheets that can help with grief after a break-up and accepting things we don't have control over. If you need additional help, there are many support groups that can offer lots of validation and warmth to move forward. But if you prefer an individual approach, you can also consider to work through these things with a mental health counselor.

Best of luck to you and your journey to heal.