I feel suffocated to a point where i can't breathe. I feel sad a lot, why?

Hi Laila, 

Loneliness can be a difficult emotion to sit with. Loneliness is quite different than being alone. When we are alone we are in a space with only ourselves. We can feel lonely regardless of how many people we may be around.  In fact, sometimes it can feel more lonely when we are around other people than when we are by ourselves.  Social media, though it is a way to help connect us with others, can actually also make us feel more lonely. 

One of the most important things that we can do for ourselves to help with loneliness is to practice self compassion and self kindness. Sometimes when we feel lonely we blame ourselves for our loneliness. This is very unhelpful and only adds to the negative feelings we are already experiencing.  Working on the way that we talk to ourselves goes a long way in how we feel about ourselves. Often, we are our own harshest critics. If we stop and listen to the way that we talk about ourselves, we realize we would never talk to a friend in such a hurtful negative way.  This is where self compassion and kindness come in. Reminding ourselves of all of our positive traits and also taking the time to take care of ourselves is critical.  Give yourself permission to take the time to take a walk in nature or treat yourself to your favorite cup of coffee, tea, or other beverage of your choice. Listen to music that you enjoy. 

Try even writing a note to yourself. Think of how you might encourage a young child with kindness and care and apply that to yourself. Keep in mind how you would assure the child that they are a valuable, worthwhile, and beautiful human being and apply that yourself. 

You also mentioned that you have been trying to distract yourself but end up getting shaky and with a migraine. We know that there is a connection between the brain and the body. Our thoughts influence our physical reactions and our body influences our thoughts. When you experience the feeling like you can't breathe, that is your body reacting to the thoughts around feeling lonely and perhaps other things that are fueling anxiety. When our brain goes down this road, it activates what is known as the fight/flight/freeze response. Not being able to breathe of fast breathing can be a symptom of this. So can feeling shaky and sweaty and having a feelings like you have to get out of a particular place.

Mindfulness or grounding exercises can be a helpful technique in sending the message to the brain that we do not need the activation that comes with fight/flight/freeze. One of the easiest techniques to do this with is square breathing. Take a deep breath in through your nose for a count of at least 5 and feel your belly rise. Hold the breath for a count of 5. Exhale through your mouth for a count of 5 until you feel your belly fall. Hold the breath for a count of 5. Repeat this cycle until you feel your body start to relax.

You may be wondering how this simple technique helps the body to relax. This type of breathing helps to activate the Vagus nerve, a nerve that runs from our head through our torso. When we breathe deeply this nerve, which is responsible for the relaxation response in our body, gets activated and helps our system to relax. As our body relaxes this send the message to our brain that there is no danger and we are safe.

When it comes to the thoughts themselves, looking at who is in your support network may be helpful as well, You can even do this visually instead of just making a list. Take a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle.  This circle represents you. Now draw lines from this circle and at the other end of each of the lines draw a circle. Each of these circles represents an area in your life such as school, family, neighborhood, job, etc. For each of these draw lines for each person that you have a connection with from each area. Once you are done, you'll be able to see all of the people that you are connected with. Pick a few people from this and reach out to them, especially if you haven't in a while. Tending to and cultivating our connections is another way that can help us to feel less lonely.

Hope this helps to offer a bit of insight into your question and the struggles you find yourself having with loneliness overall. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love, most of all your own.