I married young, my husband is immature and manipulative. How can I be a better wife/person?

Hi Tilly,

Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time.  I am sorry to hear you are struggling with these relationships.  I am glad you are advocating for yourself and your needs and wants, as long as some additional support.

There are more than likely support groups on line and in person for women in similar situations that you may find helpful.  Perhaps they can provide the support you are looking for from your mom and not receiving at this time.  

Your question was how do you not put yourself in these situations?  I would challenge you to take some responsibility for the current situations, however, I also would ask you, is your husband taking any responsibility for the arguments and his actions?  It does not sound like one person can be fully responsible for the situations you are referring to.

You mentioned in your message you cannot stop this cycle.  You may not be able to stop your husband, however, you can stop your part. Do you need to leave before the situation escalates and take a walk or go into another room?  Do you need to leave the relationship altogether?  I am not advocating either way, I am just trying to provide options.

Does this relationship have the components you are looking for?  For example, some people may value trust, honesty, safety (physical and emotional), respect, communication, etc.  Do each of you exude those qualities?  If not, can they be developed or not and if they can be, how?  Is marriage counseling an option for you two?  You describe your husband as manipulative, selfish and immature.  Can he change, will he change and does he want to change?  These are also things you may need to look at for yourself.  Are there healthy parts of the relationship?

There is something called a behavior chain.  This says we have a thought, the thought leads to a feeling and the combination of the two lead to a behavior.  We have between 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so often it is difficult to identify every single thought we have on a daily basis.  In those times you and your husband are arguing, you have a thought that leads to a feeling and the combination leads to your behavior of lashing out.  How can you stop or slow down this cycle?  Taking a breath?  Leaving the room?  What may be helpful for you?

You can control your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, however, you cannot control your husband's or anyone else's.  Think about what is in your control and what is out of your control in these (and other) situations.

I hope you find the information helpful and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica