Ask a therapist > Relationships > I recently broke up, should I try to get back together, or find a way to accept there's no hope

I recently broke up, should I try to get back together, or find a way to accept there's no hope

Hello, I recently broke up with my ex-girlfriend. We have been together for about 3 months. It is not long but because we work together and we know each other for 2 years, we decided to move in together right away. There was a lot of arguing and fighting during that time. I believe the majority of these arguments were my fault, they can be easily fixed and we could have the family and future we dream. Some fights were very heated from my side and last fight was so intense she was really scared. I truly understand now what I need to fix to make this work but she's not changing her mind. She says she lost all feelings for me.

She is a very cold person and throws very very hard words that cut very deep. She cannot be compassionate about my suffering not even for a second. On the other hand on one of my attempts to convince her to come back, she asked to talk with the ex I had the longest relationship with, to confirm I'm not a violent person and I accepted of course and she did. After she talked with her she told me she believed her but she still cannot be with me. She lost trust and feelings. She told me "for you we are broken up and if something changes for me I'll tell you"
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Asked by Jimmy
Relationships
Attachment
Rejection
Answered
10/24/2022

Hello Jimmy

 

Thank you for reaching out to a licensed professional, it takes strength and courage to do so. In response to your question, there are many aspects and layers to the situation described above. It sounds like overall the relationship has been tumultuous and she has verbalized that she no longer wishes to be in a relationship as well. Accepting these circumstances can at times be difficult, particularly if we had hopes and dream of building a future and life with a partner. I do not feel like there is a clear cut answer to your question, of what you should do. At the end, this is your life, and you have to do what is best for you and your situation. 

If she is open to therapy I would recommend seeking couples counseling, in particular Gottman therapy. This is a very unique form of couples therapy that works on uniting the couple instead of going in head first to solve all the problems which are present. If she is not open to couples counseling, it sounds like you would benefit from your own individualized counseling to explore areas of potential co-dependency patterns. It sounds like despite her being verbally aggressive and harsh towards you, you hold on and take the blame for the entire relationship not working. Keep in mind that in most cases, things start to "fall apart" in relationship for various factors, not just one specific person. 

I would look at exploring with a professional therapist, what areas in your life have a "void" in which this particular individual is filling. As described above the relationship, based on the information you wrote, seems to be unhealthy therefore, asking yourself, what makes you stay, may be another area to start. What are the pros and cons, aside from "I love this person." I would also invite you to check out the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a great book that talks about codependent behaviors, which may apply to the situation however, given the limited interaction we have, it is hard to fully gauge the depth of that theme as a whole. 

Lastly, I would recommend working on yourself, redirecting your focus on your own growth. Processing your past experiences and exploring areas in which you can grow emotionally, mentally, and physically from. There are various ways to begin this process, from connecting to a licensed therapist, engaging in reading self help books, and practicing various coping strategies such as mindfulness meditation, journaling, a technique called 54321. The process is one that can be taken from various angles and although it can take some time, it is not impossible to heal from your past and feel confident in your own skin and in your life. 

 

Best wishes on your journey!

(MS, LMHC, LPC, NCC)