I think I have an anxious attachment style. How do I fix that or manage that?

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your question. This is a highly valid concern that could absolutely change the course and overall quality of your life if you dedicate time to work on. I will try my best to provide a full answer here, but please note that it is still limited. This is not a replacement for mental health counseling but I hope to provide you with sufficient feedback that can be helpful for you and can possibly become a potential framework for your healing. 
I want to start off by saying that attachment styles can often times come paired with codependency. This is really no shock! There are different types of codependency, some of which are financial, others more emotional, etc.  In this case, there is an emotional need taking place. The issue here, which you have mentioned in your message, is that you have been exposed to deeply hurtful people that did you not value you in your intimate relationship together.

Whether your anxious attachment style came from your childhood and was rooted in parent - child relationships, or your anxious attachment was more of a development in your teen ages / adulthood as a product of your dating experiences, it needs to be unraveled. There is a great need to work on this unhealthy attachment style on a personal level. Anxious attachment, as you already may know, is considered an insecure attachment style. Learning why this is here and why you have developed it can bring deeper understanding to context and can, further, help you realize how to move forward. Having a trauma informed therapist can be especially beneficial when working through such topics, as these counselors will be able to help you discern between symptoms, memories, and help your explore possible responses to stress taking place safely. Doing a little digging into your history can help you recognize those unhealed relationship patterns / childhood experiences and work through them.

Sometimes, individuals feel as though they will need to find the right person in order to work on their attachment style. This is not exactly true. Although you can work on challenging your attachment style with a securely connected partner and emotionally safe partner, this is not the only way. In fact, healing your attachment style looks like directly facing your fears, self esteem concerns, trust issues, emotions and more.

Now that we are on the topic of emotion regulation, let's explore this a bit further. Anxiously attached individuals often times look for comfort and safety in their partner, feeling very eager for comfort and support. If they do not receive what they *expected,* the anxious connection will absolutely show itself and can become highly problematic, leading to sabotaging relationships, pushing others away, rigid expectations, etc. Working on developing a safe relationship with high levels of attunement and trust can save you a lot of heartbreak in the future, but you will need to desire safety, not butterflies. Spending time in healing will inevitably lead to unlearning and re-learning what love is. Working closely with a counselor can help you gain insight into your own distortions, need for emotional permanence, attunement, and other helpful topics that can further help you challenge your anxious feelings / reactions. 

I want to move into another topic here focusing on your last sentence that mentioned how you oftentimes fall for people that "hurt" you. This is a very layered answer, but I will try my best to provide what is needed here. Firstly, I would like for you to explore the possible reasons for this occurring. You, within your anxious attachment, might find love bombing pretty wonderful. A person you just met showers you with praise and compliments? They tell you that you are perfect and the best person they have ever met? They tell you you are the one? They even said that you are the most attractive person they have ever laid eyes on? -- Sounds like an anxiously attached person's absolute dream! Affirming! Dedicated! Acknowledging!

But wait.. Not so fast! This behavior can come from individuals who also want you wrapped around their finger. Saying pretty words and false promises that flatter you and showering you with gifts can be a very rapid way to get you enamored enough to overlook the red flags and all the things you actually don't agree with! Slow down and take your time when meeting, dating people, and becoming emotionally involved. Pacing yourself will allow you to see who is interested in you for who they are, not how badly you want to see them! Do not allow yourself to run to the commitment that someone might not deserve. Committing to someone you did not have time to truly know deeply can lead to a lot of suffering if they were not what you expected. Take time in asking intentional questions, dating for some time before committing, and exploring deeper questions to explore topics related to values / future dreams. As someone who is more prone to codependency, your people pleasing might turn on and tell you someone is the "one" when they are not. This is why this is of value, among many other reasons. 
Explore your standards before making it official. What are you looking forward to in a partner? Ask yourself this question and take your time when reflecting on these needs. Also, explore the various lessons you have learned from broken relationships and allow this to help aid you in becoming wiser in your love choices. You will eventually learn the harmful patterns of emotionally unsafe people and develop your own sense of limitation and boundaries. Developing a safe inner circle and romantic partnership will further help you feel more open and comfortable expressing your needs. 

I want us to also focus on this word: needs. Your needs in relationships are important and exploring ways to advocate for them is important. Now, this absolutely does come with the homework of recognizing unrealistic expectations and challenging your irrational requests. An ability to recognize your needs and emotions and vocalize them is a really powerful way to break your anxious tendencies. Learning healthy communication techniques can alleviate the passive or passive aggressive communication style that may come from anxious attachment. 

I hope you found this answer helpful. As mentioned, this is a limited answer that is not even a portion of the depth you would receive in therapy. There is so much more to explore in relation to this topic that will serve you in the future. Whether it is thought tracking, mindfulness based stress reduction, or otherwise.. there is so much more content and possible strategies out there that can help you achieve your goal.

That said, I wish you the best on your mental health journey ahead. There is so much peace and higher quality relationships on the other side of your sacred work.