Ask a therapist > Relationships > I’m a newlywed and am not physically attracted to my husband.

I’m a newlywed and am not physically attracted to my husband.

For background, my husband treats me great and is a kind, caring person that EVERYONE loves. My best friend is married to his cousin and is the one who set us up. He’s the kind of person that can be friends with anyone because of how kind and funny he is. My family and friends adore him. I’m just not physically attracted to him and never want to engage in any sexual activity. I had my libido checked at the gynecologist and my levels were normal. I had these feelings since before he proposed and the thoughts still spiral in my head 2 years later. Before he proposed, I had many doubts about our relationship and considered breaking up with him. I was waiting until after my best friends wedding that we would both be in to break up with him to not have awkward tension. He proposed months before their wedding. After he proposed I felt stuck. My whole engagement I was questioning our relationship but was never vulnerable enough to tell anyone because of how much everyone loves him. I thought about it 24/7 for the entire year we were engaged. I never wanted to hurt his feelings because I know how much he loves and cares for me. Now that we’re married I wish I would’ve talked to someone. I constantly reflect on the past regretting not listening to myself and prioritizing my feelings and instead worrying about making others happy.
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Asked by Sam
Relationships
Intimacy
Marriage
Attraction
Answered
10/27/2022

Hi Sam, 

The first thing I noticed in listening to your post is that concerning this matter, you put others feelings above your own. Your emotional intuition was nudging you before the proposal to assist you in making the best choice for yourself before things went too far 'so to speak' (the proposal). By hearing your intuition and not following it accordingly, you led yourself into an uncomfortable relationship. To gain relief, your intuition is still nudging you to make 'that' choice (YOUR choice). In doing so, you will need to be honest with your husband, and possibly friends and family. This will require courage. Doing nothing at all will continue to have you feeling the sensation of being with the 'wrong' person.

As you note that your husband is good hearted and loves you, your honesty may hurt him but you don't have to communicate it in a way that hurts. Being able to communicate how you feel about a situation/experience in your life offers you the opportunity to go in the direction best suited for the kind of life you want to create for yourself.

What's most important is YOU as an individual and your feelings will always let you know if something is for you or not. Without that honest expression, you could remain in an uncomfortable situation for as long as it/your life exists. And though there is currently not a physical attraction to your husband, by not being open and honest with your feelings you are denying the relationship the glue needed to build a bond that stretches beyond physical attraction.

Also by not being honest with your partner, this has the potential to trigger conflict in the relationship as the longer you remain in an unwanted situation those deep and strong feelings will begin emerging outwardly. If you want to maintain healthy interaction with your husband, talk to him about your feelings. Solutions present themselves after conflict arises. Allow yourself the right to choose what's right for your life. So ask yourself, "Do I know what I really want to do and (if so) why am I not doing that?"

(MA, LPC)