Is going “no contact” the best solution? If so, how do I find the courage?

I want to commend you for reaching out. I know how tough it can be to be vulnerable in situations like these.

I believe you are on the right path as you see this relationship you speak of is an unhealthy one. It is not fair to you to be taken advantage of and it sounds like you are seeing that and seeing your worth. Disconnecting can be tough but it is possible and what is healthiest. You may need time to grieve the relationship or some additional support to finally let go.

Make sure that you are open to others supporting you during that time. Do you have a support system in place? In a relationship like this, sometimes people lose close supports due to their partner trying to isolate or limit contacts besides them. Sometimes when we are in relationships and they do not turn out as we had hoped, we still hold faith or hope that the other person will change. You may see qualities that are good and remember good moments that you guys have had together which sometimes grays the area that has been on the opposite end of the interactions between you.

We often have the "what ifs". What if he has changed? What if I will miss out if I leave? What if I am the one doing something wrong? It is not uncommon for people to hold onto hope for change. If you are a person who tends to look at the positives you may pin point times that you have seen positive qualities in the other person so you may tend to keep going back to that.

When you focus strongly on the connection that you may have once had, it can be very confusing and result in you to continue to keep going back in hopes it will go back to the way it once was. There may be a toxic part and a nurturing part and each time they leave and come back the nurturing part takes to forefront which makes it easier to make this decision. Also, when we really really want something to work we may tend to overlook any red flags in a relationship. This could cause you to justify or try to rationalize the bad things that happen. This is unhealthy as well but it happens often.

Another thing you may want to think about is if you may be scared to be alone. Sometimes the fear of being alone tends to overpower everything else. This can lead to the thought of "I will always be alone or will never find someone" which in turn brings you back to square one and going right back to the relationship that you are familiar with, even if it may be unhealthy.

We also all hold core believes which impacts our decisions and behaviors. This relates to childhood experiences that can have an ongoing impact on our actions which can be changed but we need to become aware of it first. If you are an empathic and caring person, you may dimiss their actions if you feel that maybe their childhood experiences are reasons why they treat you the way they do. Again, this is unhealthy, but it could be a reason why someone may return to a relationship knowing its not going to be any different. That person may feel that they need to be there for them because they do not have anyone else. You begin to prioritze the pain that they may have experienced over your own pain which they are causing to you. Our self esteem can have a huge impact on how or why we choose certain relationships too. Also, the other person may be manipulating you into taking them back. This can be done in many ways.

As I said above, these are just examples of why some may return to unhealthy or toxic relationships. I know that relationships are something that we all strive for and connection is part of life. Just remember that you do not have to connect with unhealthy people. Taking some time to try to think about if you can identify reasons may be a good place to start. You can do this by connecting to your own needs and feelings. Making it a priority to love yourself and prioritize self care is another must. Allow yourself to be kind and compassionate to your own self in the midst of your day to day decisions. And do not beat yourself up. Reach out to your support circle and know that things can get better. You are strong and can get through this.